Ep 19: Who Is Deciding Your YES? People Pleaser Relationship Advice

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This is the top question I ask myself, and I highly suggest

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you ask yourself at least once a

day, if not, when you're making

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decisions that aren't a hell yeah.

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You need to ask yourself,

is it me saying yes?

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Or is it guilt?

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Is it shame?

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Someone else's expectations?

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That is saying yes to this.

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Woo wee!

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You're not gonna believe what comes up

when you ask yourself that question.

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At first, you might feel resistance.

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I know I did.

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I actually started by journaling.

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I would write down where I felt it

in my body, if I had tightness in

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my chest, or maybe tightness in my

stomach, if I felt physical resistance

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like that, or if my brain went blank.

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That's another form of resistance.

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This question, if asked consistently, will

start to not only bring self awareness,

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to your decision making and some stuff

that's probably on autopilot in your

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life, but it will also start building

the habit of making mindful decisions.

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Sometimes, as people pleasers,

we go on autopilot and it's

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just easier to people please.

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It's easier to do stuff that makes other

people happy and put yourself on the

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back burner because there's more mental

effort, emotional effort, and sometimes

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physical effort that goes into stopping.

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Reflecting, pondering, deciding,

and then stating it to someone.

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That's a lot of steps.

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When, if this is how things have always

been, and I just suck it up and do

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it, sometimes that seems like it's

easier, but in the long run, it's not.

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It really is not good for your well

being, and I'm sure you already know this.

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I'm preaching to the choir.

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Essentially, you're abandoning

yourself in micro decisions.

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I often think back to my Dating

experiences in my 20s, pre healing, pre

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figuring out my shit, pre even realizing

I was a freaking people pleaser to begin

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with, I don't even know what that term

was, I don't think, when I was in college

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or my early 20s, I don't think at all, I

came up with phrases like mother hen or.

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The cruise director and my

relationships, but I don't think I

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truly understood the concept of people

pleaser until later down the road.

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I think back to those relationships

and wasn't I just the greatest

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girlfriend because I went with

the flow and did what he did.

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I think about this one relationship,

he was a gamer and at this time

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I'm in my mid to late twenties and.

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I would go over to his apartment to hang

out and date night was me getting to

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sit there watching him play video games

and I just got to, soak up his presence.

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That was my enjoyment was to

have a glass of wine and I got

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to sit next to him on the couch.

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I don't know what the heck.

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But it was always a yes what he wanted

to do after he relaxed after a long week

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at work on a Friday night or whatever.

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What did Jenny want to do?

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I think I knew deep down, but I put him

first because I wanted him to be happy.

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And I knew, I didn't need to go out and

hear that live music of A favorite local

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band that was playing, and socialize,

and have some laughs, and enjoy myself.

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I could make do, and be happy sitting

here on the couch while you play video

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games that I have a zero interest in.

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Sure!

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No problem!

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It's fine.

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It's fine!

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It reminds me of Ross from Friends.

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I'm fine!

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It's fine!

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Everything's fine!

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When really, on the inside, it's fine.

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It's not and it just sits there

simmers until one day it boils

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over something ridiculous.

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And the other person is thinking

to themselves, why the hell

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is she overreacting about not

wanting this sandwich for lunch?

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Then it all comes to the surface and

it leads to not a great Conversation.

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If a conversation at all.

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I just think back to myself then and

realize everyone else, especially in

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romantic relationships they were the yes.

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I was the really go with the flow,

accommodating mother hen girlfriend.

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Then once I realized that about myself,

I went through the stages of grief

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regretting what I had done.

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Then angry, then I went to resentful,

and then I went to the level of hopeless.

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I puttered around there for a little bit,

being anti dating, anti men, anti all that

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as I worked through What was next for me?

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That's all I knew was acting that

way, but it didn't feel right,

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and I was sick of doing that.

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So then what, right?

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What do I do now?

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That's all I've known.

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I withdrew and pulled back from any

concept of dating or letting any man

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quote unquote tell me what I'm gonna do.

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And that's swinging the

pendulum too far the other way.

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I will say that does tend to

happen, but you know what?

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If you're dealing with this like

I dealt with in the past, you need

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to give yourself some grace because

it's not just unpacking boyfriend

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playing video games instead of

hanging out with you and including

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you in the decision making process.

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It's bigger than that.

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That was just a symptom of a deeper

systemic belief within myself of

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where I was in the hierarchy of needs.

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And eventually, I like to say

my give a damn was busted and

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I had a lot of healing to do.

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So I'm sure you can

relate to what I'm saying.

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Now, I stop sometimes I slip

up, it happens, but I stop

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and check in with myself.

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Is this a true yes?

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Or is this a no?

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Is this a I'm just doing this because

I quote, should, or like I mentioned

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before, guilt, shame don't want

to disappoint someone, trying to

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meet someone else's expectations.

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I always make the disclaimer, I've

done this in other episodes, that

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There is compromise in relationships.

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Of course, there's some things that

I do that are not a hell yeah, but I

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want to support someone in my life,

family, friends, whomever it may be.

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That's not what I'm talking about here.

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I'm talking about daily habits and

patterns in the workplace, in your

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relationships, in everyday life.

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Are the majority of your yeses your own?

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true yeses or are they based in

other people's wants and needs?

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It's going to be uncomfortable.

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You might have some freakouts like

I did with Video Game Boyfriend.

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It might not be pretty.

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You'll make it through.

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It'll be okay.

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There is so much more on the

other side of stopping that habit.

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There is a whole new world over

here, so if you haven't started

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to cross that bridge, I'm here.

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I'm with you.

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You can do this one moment at a time,

one yes at a time, one no at a time.

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I think that is where you will find

your most growth, your most wins,

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your Feel good hell yeah stories.

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I think that's where it begins.

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So moving forward Can you

dedicate a little time?

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maybe you want to start at the end of

your day doing a reflection about some

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things that you said yes to and You

could literally just think it through

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take yourself back into those moments

in your mind And ask yourself, was

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this my guess or another person's?

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Yes.

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Start noticing patterns and

not criticizing, not judgment.

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Give yourself some grace.

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It's not about that.

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It's about looking at patterns because

we think 60 to 80, 000 thoughts a day.

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And most of our beliefs and patterns

and systems inside of our brain are set.

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I forget what the number

is, something like 90 to 95

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percent of your habits are set.

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It's programmed in from repetitive

choices you've made over your life.

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So doing activities like this, just

monitoring and observing where your

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yeses come from, It's zeroing in

on that 5 percent of your choices.

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Starting small to make incremental changes

that allow you to expand down the road.

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I would say you are not

going to have instant shifts.

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This is rewiring your brain.

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This is Baby, step by baby step.

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But you will look back six months from

now and see, holy crap, I've changed.

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How did that happen?

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It happened.

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Little reflection by little reflection.

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Little no thanks.

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By little I'll pass little.

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I'd prefer to do this by, yes.

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I agree.

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I would like to do that.

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Those moments when you are

reflecting and responding will

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literally change your frigging life.

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It's done it for me.

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I'm still recovering and still healing,

but boy is it refreshing to give yourself

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the frickin permission to say yes or say

no because it's your decision to do it.

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I leave you with that.

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If you need other help, Keep

listening to my other episodes.

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There's tons of little nuggets of wisdom

there and the interviews with people.

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I will be dropping some guided

meditations and other resources in

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this podcast in the near future.

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So make sure you hit subscribe, so you

get alerts and all that great stuff.

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And you know how podcasts work.

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So go out there and say some hell

yeses and say some hell no's.

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I believe in you.