Ep 17: Master the Art of Not Taking Things Personally- Book Spotlight with The Four Agreements and Buddhist Bookcamp

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I wanted to take an episode to share two concepts

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that have really changed my life.

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They helped me not only begin heal people

pleasing, they were at the forefront of my

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spiritual growth and my growth as a human.

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I don't think you can talk about

one without talking about the other.

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We are all spiritual beings

having human experiences.

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Most people think they are humans who

have random spiritual experiences,

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when all reality You are a spiritual

being here in your human meat

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suit, having a human experience.

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With that said, it's nice to have

some reference guides, little

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guidebooks, some advice as you

navigate this human experience.

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One of the top books that flipped the

script in my mind was the book The

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Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

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Game changer for me.

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What I really like is the way that

he wrote this is very easy to digest.

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That's how I know it's good

writing and a good teacher.

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When you take complex topics and you're

able to simplify it and easily digest it.

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Now I will say, this is not a book

that you sit down and just fly through.

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I would read it section by

section, maybe a page or two, and

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I'd have to sit and process it.

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But I was able to conceptualize

what he was speaking about.

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So the four agreements,

do not make assumptions.

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Do not take things personally, be

impeccable with your words, do your best.

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Ugh, they sound so simple!

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But putting those into practice, whoo boy!

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Those are some heavy hitter things, right?

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I always try to run My choices, my

actions, my words through that filter.

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when I'm talking to a person, is this

based on an assumption or am I taking

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something personally and reacting to it?

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If I am, I'm not even going

to say anything to someone.

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That's an inside job for me to process.

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But if I am not doing either of those

things, then I always make sure, am

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I being impeccable with my words?

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Am I saying this to the best of

my ability, the clearest, kindest

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I can be, and then do your best.

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Am I doing my best with where I am today?

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Sometimes your 100 percent is only

going to be 50 percent of what

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you're capable of on a normal day

because maybe you're exhausted,

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maybe you're sick, you're stressed,

your nervous system is dysregulated.

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But am I doing the best that

I can in this moment in time?

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If I do all that, then I let

myself rest in what I've completed.

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What I've said to someone, what

I've put out there, what I've done.

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This has really helped me

get rid of guilt and shame,

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especially with people pleasing.

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This has helped me with setting

boundaries, with even telling

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people, no, I'm not interested

or no, this isn't a good fit.

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No, this doesn't work for me.

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No, I don't want to.

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Running it through those four,

I am oversimplifying this highly

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recommend you read the book because

obviously he goes into way more

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detail, great stories and examples.

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One thing I really want to dive into is.

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Don't take things personally.

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Woo wee!

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Isn't that human nature to

take everything personally?

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Say you're having a conversation and

someone gets snippy with you, instantly

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you're like, What did I do to them?

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Why are they getting so nasty with me?

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I don't appreciate that.

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I've been there, done that myself.

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When you can stop to think, You

know what, this has nothing to

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do with me, and 100 percent to do

with them, your whole life changes.

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This is where I want to bring in another

tool, another person that has helped me.

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So you've got the four agreements,

don't take things personally.

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And then you've got Timber Hawkeye,

who wrote the book, Buddhist Boot

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Camp, and a plethora of other books.

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Recommend you follow him on social media.

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I had the honor of seeing him speak

live a few years ago here in Buffalo.

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Did a free book tour.

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It was amazing.

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I was up close.

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And just soaking in all of his

knowledge and his calming presence.

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It was beautiful.

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There was this one pivotal teaching that

he offered to the group during this talk

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that stuck with me and was one of those

moments where something clicked into place

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in my brain and I knew I'd never forget

it, and I knew that it would help me.

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me not only set boundaries, but to be

able to speak my truth a little bit

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more, take up a little bit more space.

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And that is this that I'm

about to share with you.

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I want you to picture yourself having

a conversation with someone, and the

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person is talking to you, and They could

be saying a numerous amount of things.

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They could be complaining about

their life, complaining about

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a person, place, or thing.

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They could be complaining about you.

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This could be a full fledged argument.

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This person could be pissed off at you.

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This person could be disappointed in you.

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They could be, whatever it is, X, Y, Z.

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They're spouting stuff out of their mouth.

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Okay, these words and feelings are coming

out and they're coming towards you.

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Okay.

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What Timber says to do is imagine yourself

holding this sign in front of you.

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And on the front of the sign,

the side that is facing the

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person, it says, Tell me more.

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Really encouraging the person.

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Yes.

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Tell me more.

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Tell me more.

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What more do you have to say about that?

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Okay?

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And what else?

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And what else?

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Tell me more.

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As you're holding the sign, the

back side that's facing you says,

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This has nothing to do with me.

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This has nothing to do with me.

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So holding the sign again on the front,

it says to the person, Tell me more.

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Get it out of your system.

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Go ahead.

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Spit it out.

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And then facing you, it says,

This has nothing to do with me.

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Connected to four agreements,

don't take things personally.

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Anything that someone is saying

or doing has to do with them.

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And now this is a hard concept to swallow,

especially as a recovering people pleaser.

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Because that also means, even if

you've done something quote, wrong,

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and someone reacts negatively to you,

It still has nothing to do with you.

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Now, I know that's hard to believe because

we are raised in a society where if you

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do something wrong, you should have shame

and guilt, you do something wrong and

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you're supposed to feel bad about it.

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And oh my gosh, let me change my behavior

because it made so and so feel this way.

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When in all actuality, at least in

the Buddhist or Stoic perspective,

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even if you've done something wrong,

like maybe said something and it

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triggered them, you're still not

responsible for their reaction because

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how they internalize what you said.

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What I mean by this, now I know

your head's probably like, What?

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As a people pleaser my whole life

has been trying to control people's

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reactions, and now you're telling

me it's none of my business?

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It's not.

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Here's another example.

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I'm thinking of this

meme that goes around.

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There's this drawing and it's about bees.

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And the one side, there's

this man who's really angry.

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He's like, Oh, all these damn

bees are around stinging everyone.

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I'm going to spray stuff.

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They're really angry.

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And then on the other side, the person's

all smiling like, Oh my goodness.

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There's bees!

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That means that the

population's increasing!

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They're not going extinct, and oh,

they're feeding off of the flowers!

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This is so beautiful.

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Those both have to do with

your impersonal, internalized

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interpretation of the situation.

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So, holding up the sign, tell me more.

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Tell me more about the bees.

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Tell me more how the

bees are pissing you off.

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On the other side, this

has nothing to do with me.

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Like, it doesn't.

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That has to do with that person's

personal experience with bees.

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Maybe they have allergic

reactions to them, are scared,

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so they're lashing out anger.

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Whatever it may be, no pun intended,

it has nothing to do with you.

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With that said, it doesn't mean

to go out there and say what you

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want and be abrasive and be a jerk.

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Because remember, we want to be

impeccable with our words, and

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we want to do our best, right?

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We are part of a collective.

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We have social contracts and

agreements amongst each other.

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We're not living in anarchy.

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And plus you want to be of love and

light in the highest vibrations.

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Of course you want to

live your life that way.

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But as people pleasers, gives you a

little permission slip to take up some

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more space and Say your preferences,

and if it disappoints someone,

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that has nothing to do with you.

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They're an adult, and it's their

job to manage their emotions.

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It's not your job to

manage their emotions.

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If you're doing your best, you're

being impeccable with your words,

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and what you're saying and doing

is not based on assumptions, and

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it's not based on taking things

personally, then you are good to go.

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Hold that sign up.

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This has nothing to do with me.

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This is probably going to take a little

bit to sit with, within you, to simmer,

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because it's cognitive dissonance.

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Have you heard of this term?

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It's dissonance against what

your cognitive processes are.

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It's dissonance against

your belief systems.

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Probably.

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By the way, I'm recording this and I

just saw a bunny go across the yard.

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Love it.

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Symbolism there.

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I'll let you sit with that.

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A bunny was just frolicking

through the yard.

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So adorable.

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Taking things personally is what

got us into this people pleaser

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mess probably in the first place.

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Making assumptions and taking

things personally are probably

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some of the two biggest shifts

that we can make internally.

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end those behaviors and start to be

more centered in the moment, holding

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the sign, understanding that if someone

is disappointed with my decision, with

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my boundary, with my no, if someone is

disappointed that I have a different

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point of view, if someone is disappointed

that I hear their opinions, but I

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don't have the same opinion and I'm

not going to listen to them, I'm going

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to listen to my inner guidance system,

um, that has nothing to do with you.

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And that everyone is a grown adult.

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They are old enough now to

learn to manage their emotions.

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And if they haven't developed that

skill for me, I have to remind

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myself, it's still not my job to

play a therapist or rescuer, to

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constantly help them do that as well.

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I am a person who overanalyzes herself.

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Like, shoot, I intellectualize everything.

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I can tell you why I took this

personally and what assumption it was

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based on and what that's related to.

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And the domino effect is

that I do tons of reflection.

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Then I purposely practice

things and put tools in place,

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like meditation, breath work.

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All these different things to help

me regulate my nervous system.

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If I'm doing that, then it

tells me that other people could

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make some baby steps as well.

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They could.

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It's hard work and a pain

in the ass sometimes, right?

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Being on this healing journey.

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Sometimes you're like, I just want

to be, I don't want to keep healing.

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but I still persevere, so that

tells me that other people are

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capable in their own way, in their

own level, of doing the same.

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So this is your permission slip

as a recovering people pleaser

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to focus on your internal job.

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Internally, what do you need?

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Internally, work on the four

agreements and Timber Hawkeye's sign.

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It's your permission slip to

put that as numero uno and leave

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everyone else's emotions internal

guidance systems to themselves.

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They are sovereign beings with their own

inner guidance, there are own emotional

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regulation possibilities and tools.

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That's not for you to worry about.

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Just worry about putting your life

through the four agreement filter

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and worrying about that sign that you

hold up when people are complaining

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and you don't take things personally

and you don't take on their emotions.

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My fellow empaths, you don't take

on their energy as your energy.

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That's where it begins!

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It can't be any simpler than that to me.

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From my perspective, those are

some of the foundational things

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that will flip the script for you.

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I suggest you follow both Buddhist

Boot Camp or Timber Hawkeye on social

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media and also Don Miguel Ruiz.

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I will link the books and these

wonderful humans in the show notes.

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Highly, highly recommend.

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I would also love to hear what you

recommend, because I'm all about

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some new books and new perspectives.

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Drop them in the comments or let me know.

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Send me a DM on social

media @JennyLeckey_.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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So go on with your day.

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Don't make assumptions.

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Don't take things personally.

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Be impeccable with your

words and do your best.