Ep 23: My Book Nerd Tattoo Exposed My People Pleasing Habits at Work

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I am a huge reader, have been a lover of books since I was young.

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I would sit and binge books.

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I have my little reading

corner in my bedroom.

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Comfy, cozy, reading my Nancy Drew

novels, and then Goosebumps, Fear

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Street, Christopher Pike, Vampire Books.

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You see there's a pattern here, right?

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I've always been a reader.

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And then I became a middle school

and then high school English teacher.

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I love reading.

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When people say Jenny, one of the things

they think of is sunflowers, and the

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other thing they think of is reading.

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I love it.

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I was the one who actually did the

summer reading to get the pizza.

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I didn't lie on the forms.

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I was actually reading the 20

books, going to the library every

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week, and it was joyful to me.

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Okay, setting the stage for you that

this is a part of who I authentically am.

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What do we naturally do as humans?

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We want to express parts

of ourselves, right?

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We want to honor parts of ourselves, but

a lot of the times we are suppressed,

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whether it's by other people's belief

systems, rules, regulations, guilt,

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shame, you get what I'm saying.

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For me, my self expression was

getting a tattoo on my wrist.

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I love my book nerd tattoo.

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It's adorable.

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I'll have to post a picture

of it on my Instagram.

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You'll have to go over there and see it.

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It is on the side of my wrist.

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It's a long vertical one.

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At the bottom is a book.

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And then it looks like pages

are flying out of the book,

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but the pages turn into birds.

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And it's my book nerd tattoo because

it's how reading makes me feel.

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It makes me feel like I'm

floating into another world.

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It makes me feel free.

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It makes me feel all the good feels.

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I just frigging love it.

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Okay.

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So I got that to express an

authentic part of myself.

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Plus I like tattoos.

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I think they're cool.

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I've always liked that kind of thing.

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So I got this tattoo in the

middle of my teaching career.

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At that time I was teaching high school

English and also at that time, the

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district's policy was no visible tattoos.

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So this being placed on my wrist meant

it was going to be openly exposed.

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Especially because I taught in the South.

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Most of the time it was hot, right?

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So I wasn't going to be

wearing sweaters all the time.

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I was eventually going to show my wrist.

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What does this have to

do with people pleasing?

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Let me tell you.

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Okay, so This tattoo I'm covering

it up with a band aid every day.

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And now, years later, it

definitely did damage to it.

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Think about that, ripping the bandaid off

every day, like pulling layers of skin up.

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Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need

that baby touched up eventually.

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But at the time, I conformed to the

rule because I didn't want to get

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in trouble, and I wanted to behave,

and I had this weird fear of getting

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in trouble about it, which now, in

retrospect, so ridiculous, and the rule

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is ridiculous, especially considering

other schools weren't adhering to it.

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I was finding out other schools were

letting their teachers show their tattoos.

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My tattoo is related to my content

area, and actually having a band

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aid on my arm stood out more and

disrupted the students 5 million times

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more than me just showing my tattoo.

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Oh my god, Miss Leckey, why do you have

a band aid on your arm all the time?

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What's under it?

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Woah, can we see?

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Can we see?

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Versus, Hey guys, I

got a book nerd tattoo.

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Oh, that's cool.

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Okay.

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And then life moves on like

teenagers, good care, laughs.

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So at this point, I'm like, I don't

remember how many years into my career,

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but I was getting a little over all these

stupid policies, stupid in my opinion.

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And I was starting to get

a little more confident.

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I felt like I was getting more of a

voice speaking up a little bit more.

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I guess I was breaking through

that people pleaser barrier.

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So I decided I'm gonna silently protest

this and just not put the band aid on and

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just roll with it because this is dumb.

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This is so dumb.

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So I made it a good amount of time.

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I think it was a few

months until this moment.

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I can picture it in my mind.

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I'm at lunch duty.

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I wasn't even thinking about my tattoo

anymore because, self expression.

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I was gonna be one of the rebels

to show my tattoo, which, honestly,

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teachers, it come up to me.

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Einstein said, have you gotten in trouble?

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You're showing your tattoos.

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Oh my goodness.

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So I was in the cafeteria

doing lunch duty.

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And my principal was in there

too and I felt the moment.

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I was talking with my hands

and then my wrist was exposed

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and she saw it across the room.

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She locked eyes with it, I locked eyes

with her, and then she walked towards me.

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And then it was like, ah, shit.

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I'm gonna have to deal

with confrontation here.

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So she just casually walked

by and patted my wrist and

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she's you got to cover that up.

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And I was like, in shell shock, I went

into what I now know is called fawn

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mode, which is the nervous system

equivalent of people pleasing, right?

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Where you, like freeze, but you fawn,

you submit to avoid pain and conflict.

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So in the moment I was like, and

I was so mad at myself later.

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I remember going to my office

and thinking, I can't believe

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I just fucking copped out.

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I didn't use my voice.

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It didn't need to be an

argument, were both adults.

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Why can we not have a

discussion about this?

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And I really wanted to understand

why she was enforced enforcing it.

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And then I could have spoken my truth

about what it Symbolized, right?

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The authenticity part, right?

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The self expression.

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The making me a relatable,

authentic teacher.

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I could have talked to her

about that, but instead I froze.

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And then I remember going to my

office and I was so mad at myself,

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I was just bubbling with resentment,

and then it snowballed from there.

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Now, let's just be real.

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Was it about the tattoo?

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Absolutely not.

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It was about me, people pleasing,

for almost a decade of my teaching

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career, it was about abandoning who

I really was and submitting to all

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these rules and regulations that

didn't serve the higher, greatest good.

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And it was about this fear culture that

was cultivated in that school district.

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It wasn't just me, it was

everyone suffering with this.

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There came a time when I say my

give a damn was busted and I started

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standing up for myself, but it was

still standing up for the collective.

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It wasn't me going and

advocating about my tattoo.

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It was me advocating on behalf

of all the teachers cause I was

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district teacher of the year.

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I notice now that is a major area where I

have to still work for my people pleasing.

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I'm so willing to stand up for others,

but am I willing to stand up for myself?

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I feel like that is the

crux of people pleasing.

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Are you willing to stand up for yourself?

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Do you feel worthy of

standing up for yourself?

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Because I sure as hell didn't

for quite a while there.

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For most of my 20s and my 30s.

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Now I know some of you who know me are

listening to this and you're thinking,

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Jenny, you always speak your mind.

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You're always confident and

brave and this and that.

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It's always been advocating on

the behalf of other people, not

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necessarily for me and me alone.

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If the outcome of the advocacy

is Just serving my highest good?

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It didn't feel relevant.

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It always had to have some outcome

attached to a group of people

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whether it be students, teachers,

friendships, it doesn't matter.

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It was, it always had to be

for others, not for myself.

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Do you see this pattern within yourself?

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That you are sometimes a paradox,

where you will use your voice,

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but it's not always true.

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It's on behalf of others.

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This insidious little thing.

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It's a sneaky bastard where you feel

like you're not people pleasing because

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you're starting to use your voice.

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And yes, that's good.

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And you also need to make sure you're

including yourself in the formula.

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You need to make including

yourself in your advocacy.

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You are allowed.

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To speak up for yourself,

for you and you alone.

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That's what I wish past me had learned,

but I also know that I needed to go

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through that to be able to be where

I am today and understand that.

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Looking back now, it seems

so ridiculous, right?

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I was so angry and frustrated

and it was not just me.

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It was other teachers

who felt the same way.

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Now, I think to myself, Why didn't

I just go have a conversation?

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Why did I let my fear rule me?

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This fear, this story I'd made

up in my mind, this imaginary

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adversary, this assumed negative

knock down drag out conversation

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when my principal was level minded!

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I could have had a discussion with her!

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Think about all of the resentment,

the stress, the struggle,

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the griping, the tension.

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All of that would have been avoided

if I had spoken up from the get go.

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If I had used my voice, maybe she would

have said, No, you're not allowed to.

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I'm sorry, I'm not changing the policy.

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At least I would have had an answer.

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I feel that some of the resentment

comes from not using your voice.

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It's not necessarily about the answer.

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It's about the process.

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It's missing out on that

component of self advocacy.

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That's what makes us feel frustrated

and resentful is not using your voice.

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It's so interesting how we start to

live within the stories that our brains

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concoct when we are fearing conflict.

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And we are fearing being vulnerable

by standing up for ourselves.

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How do I handle that now?

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How do I begin?

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I already had an episode about it.

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Meditation!

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People want tangible?

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That's something tangible.

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Meditate.

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Rewires your brain, you become

the observer, and you start to see

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the shit going on in your head.

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And you're like, I see this pattern again.

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This has happened three times

in the past three weeks.

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That's not working for me,

so something has to change.

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And then you start, moment by

moment, observing yourself.

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When you go to speak up for

yourself, you notice when your

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body goes into freeze or fawn.

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You do some breath work, you work

yourself through it, you feel your

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feelings, and you become the observer

and let the shit flow and go away.

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You don't sit in it like I sat in my

pool of resentment for way too long.

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In summation, here are your three tips.

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Start meditating every day.

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Make sure that you are

advocating for yourself and

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everyone should go get a tattoo.

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Alright, I hope this helped.