Ep 14: Goals Are Killing Your Growth: A New Approach To Change

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Question for you.

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Are you a chronic goal setter?

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Do you constantly make to do lists

and then you forget you make the list

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or you barely get through the list

and then you feel shame because you

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didn't finish your random list that

you made that's supposedly going to

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push you faster towards your goals?

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Hi.

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You're just like me.

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Welcome to the club.

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There's a point and a purpose for

making lists and having goals.

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I get that- there's a specific reason and

some purposes that are great for that.

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But I would like to argue that

goals actually hold you back.

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All right, stay with me here.

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To me, having a goal actually limits

the capacity and the ability to

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bring into your life things that you

don't even know exist are out there.

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When you set goals, you're basing them

on what your brain can comprehend.

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Essentially, you're basing

it on past experiences.

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The information that your brain

has gathered from past experiences.

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Where there could be opportunities out

there that you don't even know exist yet.

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There could be jobs, places to visit,

people to meet, experiences to be had that

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you don't even know are out there yet.

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So when you set a goal, you're

actually limiting the capacity

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for yourself to access greater

and larger things for your life.

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Now, I get you should have goals in

the sense that it gives you some sort

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of purpose, or maybe you have this

dream that's resonating within you

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now, but this is a call for you to

maybe loosen the reins on what the

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end product of that goal looks like.

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Just a little bit.

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Loosen the perfectionism that

you are expecting of yourself

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in that day to day life.

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Because when you have those reins

tightened, it gives you a sort of

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tunnel vision, and you might be

missing out on a nudge, a wink from

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the universe, a random happenstance

meeting, which is really not random.

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You might be missing out on

a conversation with someone.

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You might be missing out on a

random billboard that you see

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driving on a different road.

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It could be anything that is meant to

cross your path to actually trigger a new

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side quest, if you will, of your path.

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And that might lead you to learning

more information and wanting to

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expand and grow your original goal.

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So don't throw goals out the window, but

also don't have that be your holy ground.

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Now, I know some of you are going to push

against this and say, you should have

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goals, you should be disciplined, and you

should grind, and you should give it your

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all, and I get that, you know, I get it.

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Like, if that works for

you, I suppose that's good.

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Uh, I'm just asking for you to

take a second and maybe look at

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it from a different perspective.

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I am saying all this from a

recovering goal setter mindset.

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I lived my life through goals.

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I mean I manifested them through, I tried

vision boards and that sort of thing,

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but I was very meticulous and particular.

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Down to the point of, I remember when

I was graduating college with my

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broadcasting degree, I literally said I

was going to be promotions director for

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two years, and then I was going to be a

marketing event person from that space.

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And I literally manifested that , I

was promotions for two years.

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And I literally manifested

that marketing event job.

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It didn't even exist at

the company I worked at.

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And wouldn't you know, two years

to the month I got that job.

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So having that vision was great.

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I get it, having that goal.

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But did I sit there every day And

have this meticulous list of, I better

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talk to these people, I better do

X, Y, and Z, I need to blah, blah,

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blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to build

this for my resume, and digit, no.

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Like, I just went with naturally

what was brought to me.

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Opportunities were brought to me to

highlight some of my skills, to actually

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find out new skills I didn't know I had.

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And from there, I was presented

to, I guess, the higher ups, right?

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They saw my abilities, I had

skillset that met a need that

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they had, and it fell into place.

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I could not have planned how it unfolded,

and I think that's the key here, is

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trying to control how things unfold

is half the cause of your anxiety.

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Whereas if you loosen the reins,

if you let go of the oars and just

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let yourself float downstream in

the river of life, you'll find

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that the river knows where to go.

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You don't have to control it.

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You have to trust and have faith in

it, but you don't have to control it.

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You do have to take action.

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You don't just sit in the boat like a

lump of logs and flop around, right?

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You do have to keep the boat

balanced and you do have to stay

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aware of your surroundings so

you don't miss opportunities.

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Of course, you need that.

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But you don't have to be so rigid in

your expectations and you don't have

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to have a clear visualized step by

step guide of how you're gonna make

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it to the top and meet your goal.

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Because your little mind doesn't

know what it doesn't know.

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There are pieces of your life, there

are events, people, places, things

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that it can't even comprehend yet

that are going to randomly cross

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your path and change it forever.

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Why am I rambling all about this?

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This has been more about careers and such,

but it applies to your healing journey.

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You don't have to control

what the outcome is.

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With people pleasing, shouldn't you

judge it more about how you want to feel?

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How you want to navigate through life?

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That you want to feel safe and secure?

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You want to feel more aligned

with who you really are?

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You want to feel free in

expressing yourself and truly

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being your authentic self.

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Setting this goal of, I'M NOT

GONNA BE A PEOPLE PLEASER ANYMORE,

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THIS IS MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION,

eh, that doesn't work for me.

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I think there's a better way.

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I think it's tapping into the here

and now moment, and finding, What you

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like and you don't like, what comes

to the surface that you're like, I

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don't want this in my life anymore.

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And then figuring out what you

can do about it moment by moment.

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Those little choices.

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They seem very simple, but it's

so interesting how hard they can

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be to integrate into your life.

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So take it one little thing at a time.

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I'm doing that right now

with my Ayurveda coach.

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it's been interesting how hard it

is just to add these little five,

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ten, fifteen minute habits into

my day because the brain resists.

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Being open to different ways of

approaching that is how you're

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going to meet your goal, quote

unquote, more successfully.

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You're going to discover along

the way that it's okay for your

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goal to shift as you change.

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Because the goal that you set is

from the mindset and the energy and

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the perspective of who you are now.

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But as you grow and change, which

we all inevitably do, you, now,

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is going to be different from you.

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Even a week, two weeks,

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four months from now.

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That person, that version of you that's

done the work, has done some healing and

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growth, might look at that goal and say,

eh, that doesn't resonate with me as much.

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I think I might want to tweak

this part and I want to kind

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of ditch this other part.

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I kind of think I just want

to go general with this.

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Doing that will clear up a lot

of mental stress, mental strain.

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Instead, we'll let you live in the

moment and experience the unfolding

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of the path towards your goals.

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I think this is the part that people

miss is not fully experiencing and

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celebrating and just basking in the

unfolding of the path towards your goals.

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Many of us are so focused on the end

goal, the completion, that we forget

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that life is happening right now and

the bigger thing to celebrate is the

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process, the day to day, moment by

moment experience of it unfolding.

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The magic that happens as

everything falls into place for you.

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An example would be this podcast.

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The end goal is obviously publishing an

episode, and getting people to listen to

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it, and the fun interaction, and seeing

how it helps people, yadda yadda yadda.

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If all I focus on is, ah, gotta get

it done, gotta get it edited, gotta

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get it online, uh, uh, uh, and don't

actually enjoy this moment as I'm

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sitting here musing about it, if I

don't enjoy this moment The process of

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editing, which I actually really like.

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If I don't really sit in awe of how

cool it is that something came from my

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brain will now be out in the world.

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If I don't live in those moments and then

move ahead to the next episode and don't

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even appreciate all that went into it.

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Then what's the freaking point?

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What is the point?

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There is no point in my opinion.

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It's about these individual moments,

these different stages, and these

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different phases along the way, and

the moment, by moment, by moment.

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That's what life is.

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Not the end goal.

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It's the path that gets you there.

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I leave you with this final thought.

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What are some things that you can

remove from your to do list today?

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And, what are some goals that maybe

you can loosen the reins on, maybe

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you can broaden a little bit, back

off on the specificity a little bit,

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and have a little more fun with?

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What are some goals that

maybe you can get rid of?

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Or, you can breathe a little fresh

life into and get re excited about.

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Or, do you maybe want to consider

not having any goals for a little

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while and see how that feels?

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I'm curious to see how

this unfolds for you.

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Give it a try.

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Try just being in the moment and being in

awe as the little things start to fill in.

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They fill in the bricks of your path

that lay ahead and see what unfolds.

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See what comes to you that

you could never have imagined.

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And most of all, freaking enjoy it.