Episode 12
Part 1: Navigating Perfectionism, Career Transitions, and Romantic Relationships as a People Pleaser: a Conversation with Meredith Ritchie
"Stop making assumptions. In small print: don't assume I'm a bitch for putting this on my car, but also I don't care." - Meredith Ritchie (her bumper sticker)
In this episode of Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser, Jenny chats with Meredith about her personal people pleaser journey, touching on themes of childhood, family dynamics, and the struggle with people pleasing in relationships. Listen to Meredith talk about her upbringing in the Christian South, her experiences in school growing up, her personal realizations in college, and roles she assumed in her family.
They discuss the struggle and stress that people pleasers feel when leaving a career or job, especially one that involves acts of service (like their time in education). Jenny and Meredith share relatable stories of how they worked through it all and how you can prepare to take a leap of faith of your own.
You will hear stories about dealing with 'unhelpful' emotions, her discovery of being demisexual and how that related to people pleasing based on what was expected of others in the dating world. She delves into strategies she uses for navigating life with a perfectionist mindset. Meredith shares techniques that have helped her set boundaries and practice clear communication at work and at home.
Don't miss part two, where both Jenny and Meredith discuss people pleasing in the workplace, particularly in education.
About the Guest
About the Host
Interested in being a guest? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com
- Work with Jenny - Book 1:1 Reiki or psychic channeled reading sessions. Offered virtually or in person in Buffalo, NY. Jenny also offers Reiki certification classes!
Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC
Transcript
Just a little heads up.
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:This episode is actually
split into two parts.
3
:The first part's about Meredith
personal journey, and part two is
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:all about our experience with people
pleasing in the education field, she
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:was a librarian and I was a teacher.
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:If you're not an educator, I still
encourage you to listen to part two
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:because what we discuss relates really
to basically any job or workplace.
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:Enjoy the episode.
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:Jenny: When I thought about creating
this podcast, you were one of the
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:first people because you always have
unique perspectives on life, so
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:I'm really curious to see what comes
out of this conversation today.
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:Yay!
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:Meredith: Yeah.
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:I'm looking forward to it as well.
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:Jenny: I will let you also just say
a little bit about yourself, but I
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:will say this is my friend Meredith.
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:We've been friends for quite a long time.
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:I don't even know how many years.
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:We have a close friendship.
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:We have really deep conversations.
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:That's why I'm so excited.
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:Even though we are states apart, I'm
in New York, you're in South Carolina.
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:How about you tell us a
little about yourself?
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:Meredith: I am Meredith.
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:I worked in the school
system for 11 years.
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:I'm now a registered behavioral therapist.
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:I was born and raised in South
Carolina in the Myrtle Beach area
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:which is always a unique thing.
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:No one ever thinks that
locals are from here.
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:But I do think being raised in the
Christian South is affected my life
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:greatly during my childhood in both
positive and occasionally negative ways.
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:Ah,
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:Speaker: yes.
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:We will dive into that in a bit.
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:How about a little bit about your
background with people pleasing?
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:Meredith: I found as I've gotten
older that I don't know how to express
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:what I used to call bad emotions.
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:My therapist tells me to
call them Unhelpful emotions.
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:I think that all ties
into people pleasing.
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:I was reflecting the other day
where sometimes I work with clients
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:on emotions and it was genuinely
difficult for me to show anger.
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:Like I had to act it out for
him to guess what it was.
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:And I was so uncomfortable.
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:Ahead of time I was like,
Hey, this is just a practice.
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:I'm just playing pretend don't worry.
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:It's so uncomfortable to me.
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:And I think all of that started because
so I'm the youngest in my family.
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:For example, in kindergarten
got the peacemaker award.
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:Oh yes.
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:Yes.
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:Which is lovely and sweet.
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:Jenny: But you're right.
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:Those awards really do give
you a little telltale sign.
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:Correct.
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:What's going on underneath the surface.
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:Meredith: Obviously being a
peacemaker is good, but never
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:making any trouble is not healthy.
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:Speaker: Yes.
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:Being a good girl.
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:Correct.
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:Meredith: So I was definitely
very much a good girl.
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:I was the youngest.
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:My sister, whom I love and I'm very
close to now, I will preface with that.
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:Speaker: One thing I want to say,
anytime we talk about our loved ones, our
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:family, our friends, we love everyone,
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:Meredith: genuinely.
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:We do
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:Speaker: not have to go into , I
call it covert people pleasing.
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:Where we say I love them.
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:Everything's okay.
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:I love them so much.
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:I just want to practice this.
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:I call it covert people pleasing.
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:Meredith: That's fair.
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:Speaker: So we're going to blanket people
please be like, we love you all so much.
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:Meredith: I do.
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:And that's so true.
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:You've seen me and my sister now we're
like copies of each other at times.
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:You really
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:Speaker: are.
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:You really are.
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:A month ago when I was down there, y'all
were literally mirroring each other.
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:You are twins.
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:Meredith: Yes.
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:But it did take adulthood to get there.
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:She had a little bit more of a
typical teenage years, a little bit
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:wild, a little bit made my parents
worry from time to time, like staying
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:out all night, very normal stuff.
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:And I remember thinking , I never
wanted to make them feel that way.
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:Like ever.
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:I probably at that point when my sister
was getting the heyday, she was probably,
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:I don't know, 10th and 11th grade.
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:I was probably mid middle school.
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:And I just remember thinking, I never want
to cause my parents to have these feelings
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:I never want to make them feel that way
because it seemed really stressful to me
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:and it did
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:Meredith: stress them out.
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:So honestly, I think it dates
back to all the way back then.
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:Speaker: I can relate to the being
a good girl and not wanting to cause
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:an upheaval in high school as well.
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:I was the same way.
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:I was such the good child.
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:And then my brother went buck wild
and he was given permission to do
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:that, especially because he pre
signed with the Marines at 17.
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:So it was like, Oh my,
yeah, Gary can go do that.
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:I can relate exactly to what you said.
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:I was well behaved.
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:I was the good little girl in high school,
but boy, did I go buck wild in college?
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:Meredith: Yeah.
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:So I went to college.
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:, I turned 18, like my first month
into college and I immediately got
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:a tattoo, which my mom had never
wanted any of us to get tattoos.
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:And I think true reflection of I was
acting one way at home, and I wasn't
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:unhappy, like I had a good childhood,
I had friends in high school, I wasn't
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:unhappy by any means, but as soon as
I got away, I truly started trying to
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:figure out what I actually wanted,
and that was tattoos to begin with and
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:now I have I don't know, seven, eight,
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:Speaker: you go, I'd get more.
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:I know.
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:I always say I don't have tattoo money.
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:That's so funny though,
because that's what I did.
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:I didn't get a tattoo, but my first
week away I got my eyebrow pierced.
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:It was very popular then.
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:I was not allowed to in high school.
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:So I was like, within two weeks, I got
my eyebrow pierced and my nose pierced.
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:I was like, Oh, yeah,
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:Meredith: When I remember again,
being in like middle school and just
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:drawing on my hands, like with markers.
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:And my mom would hassle us
about not drawing on our bodies.
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:Whether I knew it or not, I
think I found freedom in college,
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:in a lot of different ways.
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:That was nice to explore.
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:And I still feel I think our entire
adulthood is exploring what did we
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:truly want in our lives, separate
from particularly those closest
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:to us in every way of our lives.
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:Or rather, I think we
should do that in adulthood.
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:Not everyone does and that's okay.
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:But I personally get a lot of
value from that reflection.
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:Jenny: Oh, I'm so glad
you brought that up.
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:That's a great point.
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:I love to dive into that a little
bit deeper because when you said
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:that you explored freedom when
you went away to school, I don't
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:know about you, but whenever I
come home, that switch would flip.
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:And I'd go back into people pleaser
mode, like on winter break or summer
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:break, , year by year, I got a little
more, what I considered rebellious,
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:which was not rebellious, but in a
people pleaser's mind, you're like,
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:Ooh, I'm the villain in this story
when you're just being a normal person.
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:Yes.
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:It's interesting how we feel like
we're changing and growing, especially
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:in our college years, but yet we
still get triggered when we come home.
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:Meredith: Yeah, we're not.
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:It's not clear cut by any means.
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:It's strange reflecting on childhood.
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:Cause again, I had a great childhood,
but I do remember all during high
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:school, like really wanting to get away.
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:Again, I love my parents.
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:So even in my brain, it wasn't even
wanting to get away from my family.
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:It was just, I want to get away from this
town that I've lived in my whole life.
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:And then I studied abroad
when I was at college.
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:I was like, I want to get out of this
country that I've lived in my whole life.
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:I just kept wanting more and more freedom.
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:And which has been, interesting.
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:Yeah.
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:Definitely.
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:Speaker: You're talking about
the roots of your journey.
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:Do you have any key moments that you
can think of when you were younger that
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:you're look back on now and you're
like, Oh goodness, that was such a people
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:pleaser, either habit or specific memory.
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:Meredith: Here is one thing I don't know
that I conceptualize people pleasing
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:at that age in any way, shape or form.
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:And I've learned a lot about myself
and how I connect with others.
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:Now I know that I am demisexual,
so basically I just didn't
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:feel the same attractions that
a lot of high schoolers felt.
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:Speaker: Some people listening
might not know what demisexual is.
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:Would you mind just giving
us a brief overview?
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:Meredith: So demisexuality basically means
that you don't feel sexual attraction
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:when you first physically see someone.
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:If I see a super handsome model,
my First instinct is never like
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:I am sexually attracted to them.
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:It comes second or third.
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:I have to get to know someone.
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:I can understand if someone is handsome
and I know the definition of what
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:it means to look sexy again, by like
society standards, but I don't just see
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:someone and see this person that's a
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:like sexy individual.
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:So most of my relationships developed
from friendships that I then went, in
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:my case, very rarely did it even turn
too much about the physical at all.
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:It was always, Oh, he's fantastic.
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:Like genuinely, he's a
really good person.
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:He has a really good heart.
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:I'm so attracted to that aspect.
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:And then sometimes quickly, sometimes
in a while, sexual attraction can occur.
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:A lot of people, especially when
hormones are raging, they'll , see
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:someone and immediately be like,
really attracted to them, and I
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:just literally never felt that.
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:And that's fine, and it's normal,
but at the time I didn't quite
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:understand that it was different.
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:But, the way that I approached dating
or the lack thereof was um, twofold.
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:Because I was the youngest , I did
want to be Very different from her.
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:I think I wanted to be an individual.
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:I think part of me saw she is a
little stressing out my parents.
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:And so I didn't want to do that.
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:So I think I just took on I want to
be very different than her, but I
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:also took a lot of my interpretation
of what it means to be a teen girl,
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:particularly dating guys from my sister.
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:She was just like my
role model in that sense.
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:But in my brain, it became
" These are the expectations".
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:So in my brain, any boy that I
liked, which I could say was maybe
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:only a couple in high school.
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:None of which I dated, but the ones
that I did were long time friends.
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:In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense
that I'm Demi, and how that developed.
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:But being flirty was something
that my sister was lovely at.
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:She's a very friendly,
can be a flirty person.
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:And I thought this is exactly
what is expected from a teen girl.
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:Speaker: Yeah.
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:Not to mention media too.
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:Meredith: Correct.
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:Yes, it was everywhere.
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:I also wasn't like feeling the attraction
that other people were in the same way.
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:And so I didn't think I could do that.
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:I wasn't feeling the same stuff and I felt
very different from my sister, even though
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:we are so similar now and probably were
growing up realistically at that time.
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:I was like, we're exact opposites.
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:And because I thought people expect
girls to flirt and to touch, touch boy's
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:shoulders and to want to do seven minutes
in heaven and whatever kind of cliche
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:things or spin the bottle or I remember
going to a boy girl party and they were
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:like, I think they played spin the bottle.
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:And I just went out in the hallway.
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:Oh, little Meredith.
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:Which again, now it extends to me.
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:I understand where all of that came
from, but I think it was even down to
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:, teen girls are like good at kissing.
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:So if you've never kissed anyone.
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:I remember that when I was a
child Which was definitely a
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:form of people pleasing in that
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:I thought everyone is expecting
these expectations of this is
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:what I should be as a teen girl.
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:And I didn't think I could do that.
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:And even now I'm like,
not great at flirting.
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:I'm not great at subtlety as a whole.
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:So I just do it my own way,
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:Speaker: but Hey, that's perfect.
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:Like you said, it's about exploring
who you really are in adulthood.
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:Meredith: Yeah, exactly.
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:It did also mean that because I
didn't think I could live up to those
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:expectations, I just did none of it.
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:Oh , I didn't really date
anyone in high school.
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:I remember, and they had the
best of intentions, but we
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:had a family friend visiting.
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:And my family had noticed
that I wasn't really flirting,
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:like it just wasn't doing that.
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:And so they were like, you should
practice with this like family friend
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:who was a kid, like he was around my age.
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:Oh, okay.
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:You should practice with
this kid just to get it.
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:And I was like, no, I want to die.
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:You should practice?
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:Oh
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:no.
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:Meredith: At that point there was this
very clear " You should exhibit flirting
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:and this is what flirting looks like".
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:Did you do it though?
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:I don't think I did.
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:I think we were like kind of friends.
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:, I think I was just no.
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:I just want to disappear.
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:Thank you.
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:You
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:Speaker: didn't exactly
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:Meredith: people, please.
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:Then that's good.
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:But I do think sometimes when I see
that, and I think it also ties in a
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:little bit into a fear of failure,
but I take what I think people
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:want, set them as expectations,
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:and then if I cannot a hundred percent
meet them, I just don't do them at all.
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:Ah, yeah.
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:So I definitely feel like that was an
aspect of growing up that I saw early
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:people pleasing . Even now it always
goes back to if I tried for a first short
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:period of time, I did online dating.
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:Which obviously did not go well.
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:I can't even really get to know someone.
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:It was obviously just did not work
out, but And I met up with, I don't
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:know, maybe a couple of dudes and all
of them, I was like what if he expects
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:me to, even at the end of this first
date, what if he expects me to kiss him?
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:And I don't want to?
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:It would be the end of the
world for me to say no.
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:Oh yeah.
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:And not meet those expectations
and just be the worst person
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:in the world for saying no.
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:So much
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:Speaker: pressure on yourself.
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:Yeah.
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:I'm curious what your experience was
as a young student with People Pleasing
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:because I always wondered, I was
always labeled like the high achiever
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:and I would get all these awards and
blah, blah, blah, gifted and talented.
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:But now I'm like, yeah, I was great
at people pleasing and being diligent
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:with my work and doing what everyone
wanted, including the teacher,
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:anyone in authority or group work.
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:I was really great at just taking
the lead because slacker's gonna
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:slack because it needed to get done.
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:Exactly.
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:Yep.
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:So now I wonder, is that
really authentically me?
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:I don't know.
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:No
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:Meredith: idea.
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:Yeah.
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:I have no idea.
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:Did you have a similar experience?
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:I did well in school.
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:I did honors classes.
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:Yeah.
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:My sister is also smart.
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:So she was like valedictorian or
salutatory somewhere pretty high up.
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:So I was obviously just removing
myself from comparison from her,
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:but I did do honors classes.
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:Speaker: Yeah.
318
:Meredith: I also have a brother,
I guess I could mention that.
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:But all three of us played trumpet
in middle school cause we had a
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:trumpet and it was like my brother,
I have no idea how he wasn't banned.
321
:My sister was like first chair
and stayed at first chair.
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:And I was like last chair.
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:Yeah.
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:Sometimes I would accidentally
bump up like one step, but I
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:was like, I don't even care.
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:This isn't me.
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:Whatever, man.
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:Was that genuine?
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:I have no idea.
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:It is hard now to look back.
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:And I loved my experience in band but
I don't know if I, again, was just
332
:pushing against Oh, she was so great.
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:And I'm going to be like, whatever.
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:It doesn't matter to me.
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:Oh yeah,
336
:Speaker: possibly.
337
:Can I delve into that a little bit?
338
:Because I can see myself
in what you're saying.
339
:And that's, from the psychological
standpoint, maybe a fixed mindset.
340
:But dare I say, perfectionism, because
is perfectionism maybe an offshoot of
341
:people pleasing because you don't want
to let anyone down, so it's easier
342
:to downplay something or avoid it.
343
:I'm literally going through that
this week, ironically, with me
344
:actually sharing some of these
episodes with people for feedback.
345
:All of a sudden.
346
:I was freaking out.
347
:I'm like, what is going on?
348
:I had a meltdown last night and
it was all this inner child,
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:young kids stuff coming up.
350
:Meredith: Yes.
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:Speaker: People aren't going to
like it, they're not going to be
352
:happy with what I'm producing.
353
:This is going to suck.
354
:I'm going to fail.
355
:I'm giving it all for nothing.
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:Like it was such limiting
beliefs coming up.
357
:And yes, I heard little Jenny in my mind.
358
:Yeah.
359
:Ironically, I was trying to people
please on a people pleaser podcast.
360
:Meredith: Yeah, it's a hard.
361
:Speaker: I know.
362
:Did you experience any of that, like
the perfectionism or the fear of
363
:Meredith: failure?
364
:Yeah.
365
:I typically view it
more as fear of failure.
366
:I played softball when I was a kid,
but I was always like outfield.
367
:When I was a kid, I would
literally just sit out there
368
:and want to eat sunflower seeds.
369
:Like I'm doing this because I enjoy
being part of team, but I don't even
370
:want to attempt to be great at it.
371
:Cause I don't think I'm going to
be able to, so I'm just not gonna
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:try.
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:So I definitely think all
of that came into play.
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:Actually I was reminded earlier
today, currently, I'm a
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:registered behavioral therapist.
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:So I work one on one with kids
who are diagnosed with autism.
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:And I love it!
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:I'm really enjoying the job.
379
:It is Just by definition, less
responsibilities than my last year in
380
:education, and a lot less stress, and , I
am basically just taking the goals that
381
:are created and enforcing them, and
I feel good with that, and I'm really
382
:comfortable in the job, and I feel
confident, and I genuinely enjoy it.
383
:I also shared in one of the team chats
for one of the clients something that I
384
:had recommended, and I shared in the chat.
385
:And the supervisor followed up
and she was like, Hey that's not
386
:something I was quite ready to
share, like to the team as a whole.
387
:Oh, yeah.
388
:Because I wanted to work
out some other details first.
389
:So from now on don't share that.
390
:Some of the other stuff you shared
was good, but don't share that.
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:And yeah, it was.
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:Oh.
393
:I was like, I'm the worst I can't
believe I'm actually horrible at
394
:this job and I've ruined everything.
395
:And
396
:it was definitely that
397
:Meredith: moment.
398
:, so I responded something
like, okay so sorry.
399
:And my supervisor's amazing
and she said, no worries.
400
:Like you genuinely, you shared
it because you want to basically
401
:set this client up for success.
402
:Yeah.
403
:I appreciate that that's like where your
heart is, which was obviously amazing.
404
:It was comforting and it
was a hundred percent true.
405
:I had no other reasons.
406
:It was genuinely here's
the thing that's good.
407
:And she was like, no, you
come from a good place.
408
:And I was like, okay.
409
:That is true, even though I messed up.
410
:I can still be good at my job and I
messed up because I'm so passionate.
411
:I get it.
412
:It was amazing to have a supervisor
that did respond in that way.
413
:Speaker: I have a stomachache for you.
414
:My stomach dropped.
415
:That is not good.
416
:And honestly, if I had gone over
the cliff with my people pleasing
417
:anxiety, I probably wouldn't have
believed her when she said that.
418
:That's how bad I'll get sometimes.
419
:I'm like, she's just saying that I
really screwed this up, blah, blah,
420
:Meredith: blah.
421
:We're all just doing the best we
can with the time that we have.
422
:And I appreciate that.
423
:That's important
424
:.
Speaker: When you do have those moments pop up, where you get that tension,
425
:what are some techniques or habits
that you've put into place to help you
426
:process those moments when you're, I
call it your people pleasing flares up.
427
:Meredith: I typically go, I'm
feeling these things almost like a
428
:checklist in my brain of probably
more from therapy than anything else.
429
:One of the things my therapist
suggested was taking a step away and
430
:just noticing the thought you're having
to not get involved in the thought.
431
:I typically go through a, okay,
here's the thought that I'm feeling
432
:or this is the thought I'm having.
433
:These are the feelings I'm having.
434
:I typically want to do a little bit of
a, here are the next steps I can take
435
:which are often out of my comfort zone.
436
:I'm not huge on communicating
again, unhealthy or bad emotions.
437
:So if it's a people pleasing
moment for say a partner.
438
:then I typically will force myself to
say something about it to bring it up.
439
:Here's what I was expecting, or
here's what I thought you would
440
:say, or are you disappointed?
441
:And then also try to curb
spiraling as much as I can as well.
442
:Speaker: How do you curb the spiraling?
443
:Cause I was spiraling this week.
444
:I think.
445
:I went too far.
446
:Like breath work and all that didn't work.
447
:I went to acupuncture today
and that released it all.
448
:Meredith: Oh, nice.
449
:I love
450
:Speaker: acupuncture.
451
:I feel like a million bucks.
452
:Meredith: Yay.
453
:Oh, that's awesome.
454
:So I feel like when it comes to things
like people pleasing to partners literally
455
:just telling myself to stop talking
take a breath and stop pushing words out
456
:of your mouth is one thing that I have
to do and obviously the same for text.
457
:Oh yeah.
458
:Texting is a whole
459
:Speaker: other level cause
then you can read different
460
:connotations in the writing.
461
:Oh my gosh.
462
:Meredith: I do a lot of writing down,
here's what I want to say to this person.
463
:And then when we have a conversation,
I literally have it put up on my phone
464
:and be like, okay, I said these things.
465
:I need to make sure I'm holding myself
accountable for mentioning this thing.
466
:And it's on my phone.
467
:So I used to do more of that.
468
:I guess now I have not done as much.
469
:Speaker: Yeah, you're growing.
470
:It worked.
471
:It built the habit.
472
:Yes.
473
:Yes.
474
:Yeah, that's amazing.
475
:But I would have
476
:Meredith: Here's a paragraph or
a checklist or a bulleted list of
477
:okay, these are things I have to
say and like then throwing it on the
478
:calendar Hey, at this time we need
to sit down and we need to chat.
479
:Because I need to say some
stuff and I'm uncomfortable
480
:about it, but we need to do it.
481
:Speaker: The world needs more
of that clear communication.
482
:Yes.
483
:Speaker: what you just said is probably
foreign to many people listening to this.
484
:Yes.
485
:To actually schedule a time and say, I
need to meet at this time, I need to, wow.
486
:That's huge.
487
:So for you saying that, oh, I have
to do these things, other people are
488
:like, wow, I wish I had that habit.
489
:Meredith: Fair, yes.
490
:Speaker: I've tried it with folks and
sometimes it leads to more apprehension
491
:and people getting defensive because
they're like, why are you mad at me?
492
:Maybe discussing that option.
493
:Basically you're setting a boundary.
494
:You're saying I need this to happen.
495
:I need this procedure to process my
emotions, but discussing that and setting
496
:that up with a family member, a partner,
friend, set that up when you're not
497
:emotional, when there's nothing going on.
498
:Yes,
499
:Meredith: correct.
500
:A little bit of distance.
501
:Calm down.
502
:That's a good idea.
503
:For sure.
504
:Or
505
:Speaker: like on a random Wednesday
Hey, I found out about this technique.
506
:So in the future, when stuff goes
down, this is what we're doing.
507
:Meredith: Here's what we're going to try.
508
:I love it.
509
:And I do know people who have
weekly or monthly, let's just
510
:sit down and chat about like our
relationship to see how it's going.
511
:Romantic and non, like it would work
super well for roommates as well.
512
:Any of those kinds of relationships.
513
:But it is time consuming and
exhausting at times, but valuable.
514
:Speaker: Yeah.
515
:Yeah.
516
:Talk about being mindful
in your relationship.
517
:Yes.
518
:That's literally a stellar
example of doing that.
519
:.
Meredith: And even so there are people I'm more comfortable doing that with,
520
:and there are still people that I'm
less comfortable doing that with, I
521
:was actually reflecting on that earlier
because I have some conflict with
522
:some people, a few people in my life.
523
:In the past, the things that made me
feel better is, Hey, I just need to
524
:sit down and express this resentment.
525
:And then we discuss it.
526
:And then we ideally move on.
527
:And I don't know exactly how to do
that with those few people in my life.
528
:I think I'll, I think I'll find a way.
529
:Has been in my brain
lately is it's inevitable.
530
:These things are going to arise,
531
:this
532
:Meredith: conflict is going to
happen, whether I acknowledge
533
:it right now or push it off.
534
:It is inevitable.
535
:And I'm looking forward to have done it.
536
:I don't look forward to doing it,
but I am happy to have done it.
537
:I will be happy when this is behind me.
538
:And the only way to get there is to do it.
539
:I love
540
:Speaker: that.
541
:Meredith: Oh, it has really been.
542
:I'm married and I also have a
child, and so we have to do a lot of
543
:communications about scheduling and stuff.
544
:Sometimes it's just as little as that hey,
we need to talk about several scheduling
545
:things, especially now that he can drive,
546
:so we have to figure out who's
going to have the car when.
547
:And that's not emotionally draining.
548
:But I will be like this
conversation is inevitable.
549
:It needs to happen.
550
:And I will be happy when we have
it all figured, then I will be
551
:able to just relax and know that
we have everything scheduled.
552
:And we know who's going to have what
car when, which is, again, a very
553
:light example, but applies nonetheless.
554
:Speaker: And it's a good way to
practice it, not on something
555
:heavy, but to become a habit.
556
:This is how we handle things.
557
:I'm going to recap what you said,
because I want everyone to hear this.
558
:So way to approach conflict.
559
:Step one, remind yourself that it's
inevitable that you're going to have
560
:to face this and work through it.
561
:And then, look at it at the end.
562
:So backward plan it in a way.
563
:Look at the end.
564
:I am happy.
565
:I'm looking forward to having it done.
566
:But also, do you mean experiencing it?
567
:Like healing the relationship in a way?
568
:Or are you more get it over with?
569
:Meredith: Probably approach it
more from a get it over with.
570
:Get it over with.
571
:Yeah.
572
:Speaker: Understandable.
573
:Meredith: Yeah.
574
:Speaker: Rip the bandaid
off kind of thing.
575
:Meredith: But
576
:there would be times of,
Hey, I enjoy doing improv.
577
:I do.
578
:I enjoy being on stage.
579
:I enjoy, I am nervous, but I will
have enjoyed this once I've done it.
580
:So I just need to jump into it.
581
:So I can think of some examples
I feel like with that as well.
582
:And I did, I always enjoyed it.
583
:Speaker: I love that sentence frame,
the way to structure your thinking.
584
:It's almost a little,
like stoicism there.
585
:This is happening.
586
:Meredith: True.
587
:Speaker: It it is what it is.
588
:Meredith: Yes.
589
:Speaker: It's inevitable.
590
:I've been actually dealing with
that with my podcast or actually
591
:Being more vulnerable with
my writing and stuff online.
592
:I was like, what is holding me back?
593
:What is blocking me?
594
:I had to really sit with it.
595
:And then I realized one big fear I have
is people bullying me online, dealing with
596
:trolls, dealing with nastiness in the DMs.
597
:The horror stories I hear are
just . And I don't want that.
598
:I have a pretty chill life.
599
:I'm out here trying to spread love and
light, not get into an online brawl.
600
:But I actually did what you said
just coming from my own brain.
601
:I had to tell myself.
602
:It is inevitable.
603
:It is going to happen.
604
:I am going to get, I
am going to get trolls.
605
:I am going to get nasty DMs.
606
:It's going to happen
probably numerous times.
607
:And I will get through it and
I will make sure I have a plan.
608
:And this is what my procedure is
when that happens, which will be
609
:to delete that shit and not engage.
610
:Meredith: Correct.
611
:Yup.
612
:Speaker: So yeah, that is a little
stoicism there to be more analytical
613
:about it and just say, okay, this is
going to happen, but I can do this.
614
:I can do hard things.
615
:Meredith: Correct.
616
:Yes.
617
:Yes.
618
:There is also an element of you also
can imagine yourself getting through it.
619
:You are also seeing you're
on the other side of it.
620
:I feel like I talk about therapy all the
time, but one of the early things that I
621
:worked on in therapy was so I am married
was one of the very early things was
622
:I imagined if our relationship ended,
that I would be Broken beyond pieces.
623
:There's a scene in Gray's Anatomy where
I want to say, Christina Yang has a death
624
:and she is laying on the bathroom floor.
625
:And she's I'm just going
to lay here for days.
626
:And I'm just going to
be broken into pieces.
627
:That was one of the first things
that I worked on was I'm not
628
:going to . It'll be very sad.
629
:I will be very sad, but
it will not break me.
630
:It just won't.
631
:And I have to know that is true to,
exist in the relationship with my
632
:husband in the way that I need to be
able to exist, to not be desperately
633
:hanging on to it out of fear of,
it's going to break me if it ends.
634
:That's not a reason to stay
in a relationship with anyone.
635
:Yeah.
636
:Speaker: Which
637
:. Meredith: Is
638
:Speaker: the antithesis
of people pleasing.
639
:'cause people pleasing would be,
let me just monitor and adjust
640
:to Yes suit your needs person.
641
:Correct.
642
:Meredith: I think it's a dangerous
combination of being so like,
643
:my life is so connected with this person
if you are a people pleaser, cause then
644
:you do people please and you get to
a potentially unhealthy relationship.
645
:Speaker: You lose
646
:Meredith: it, it will break you.
647
:So then you have to do whatever to
maintain that happiness and to and
648
:I'm happy that I don't feel that way.
649
:That's amazing.
650
:It is obviously more comfortable
living in a, not a state of kind of
651
:constant, this may break at any moment.
652
:Speaker: You've given us a
lot of great strategies of how
653
:you've worked through that.
654
:So people can take that away.
655
:Meredith: So I'm wrapping up every
episode by asking if you were to create
656
:a bumper sticker with life advice on it,
what would you put on the bumper sticker?
657
:Oh, that is a great question.
658
:I'm going to go with just
stop making assumptions.
659
:Yes.
660
:Period.
661
:It applies to people pleasing, it
applies to a lot of other stuff
662
:that could be a different podcast.
663
:Speaker: Yes, exactly.
664
:Meredith: Stop making assumptions.
665
:Yeah.
666
:In small print it could be like, don't
assume I'm a bitch for putting this
667
:on my car, but also I don't care.
668
:Those would, that would be the
screen line fine print to my car.
669
:I
670
:Speaker: love it, that's perfect.
671
:Meredith: I love it, maybe
I'll try to make it someday.
672
:Speaker: I really think you should.
673
:Oh my gosh, what a journey.
674
:What an adventure.
675
:It was, it always is
lovely chatting with you.
676
:Thank you so much for
sharing your journey with us.
677
:And also being such an example of how
putting in the work really does pay
678
:off and helps you grow and change and
that you can do hard things and the
679
:hard things don't stay hard forever.
680
:That is true.
681
:At some point you look back and you
genuinely value some of the good
682
:stuff that came from that struggle.
683
:Make sure to check out part two
where Meredith and I talk about
684
:people pleasing in the workplace,
specifically as educators.
