Ep 29: Ditch the To Do List - Focus on Your "Goodbye" List Instead

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I just finished up my six month

coaching program with my ayurveda coach.

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If you haven't heard of that.

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It's an amazing way of living the heal,

your health and all that great stuff.

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It's from India.

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It's uh, in partnership

with yoga, if you will.

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It's all about not only creating new

habits, but you know, releasing old and.

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There were times when

Dawn would tell me, okay.

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Let's do the thing and then I would

resist it and then she would check in

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on me and I hadn't even done it yet.

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We're talking on paper, simple stuff,

such as did you do the 15 minute

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guided Kundalini yoga in the morning?

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And I'm like, no.

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In theory, it should be so easy.

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But, changing a habit

required me to say goodbye.

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Say goodbye to what.

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Well, maybe a little more

sleep in the morning.

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Comfort.

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Comfort and where I am

comfort in current habits.

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Comfort in.

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not changing right?

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Even though we know current and

habits might not be serving us.

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It's like the devil, you know?

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Right.

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It's the comfort, you know?

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So, what does this have to

do with people pleasing?

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Well, I bring it up because

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as detrimental and frustrating

and resentment filled these

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people pleasing habits might be.

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We still resist . We still often get

this feeling of, I don't want to say

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goodbye to it, and there's a weird way.

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Do you resonate with that?

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Because I surely do.

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I've said in previous episodes that it's

sometimes easier to just people please.

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So the big question I've asked

myself is what am I ready and

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willing to say goodbye to.

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And yes, on the grander scheme of

things, it might be saying goodbye

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to a friendship or relationship,

a job, a situation, right?

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This huge thing.

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That's not serving you

and pulling you down.

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Yes, I get that, but it

really is the small things.

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What are you willing to say goodbye to.

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Some things that I have said

goodbye to as I'm healing.

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My people pleasing is.

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Saying goodbye to having

everyone around me.

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Be perfectly pleased with me all the time.

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And have had to say hello to sitting

in the tension while someone else

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processes what I've just said.

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I've had to say goodbye to

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inner resistance to boundaries.

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And I've had to say hello to

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giving myself permission to

take up space by saying no, or

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giving us a different suggestion.

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Saying goodbye to FOMO as well.

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Having multiple options in your

calendar and only picking one

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of them and not having FOMO.

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Because underneath the people pleasing,

when we say yes to going to things that we

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necessarily don't want to go to or helping

when we are depleted energetically,

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there is some times that FOMO.

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You have this fear of missing

out on something as well.

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And you're having to say

goodbye to that, or like, Hmm.

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That's okay.

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I'm going to let you go and I'm going

to go do my other thing and that's okay.

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And Honestly, it is also saying

goodbye sometimes to relationships

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that have run its course.

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I have said goodbye to friendships.

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Some of them.

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We're way at the beginning

of my people pleaser journey.

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And others have just naturally

faded out because we don't

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resonate with each other anymore.

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Because I am not necessarily

who I was before.

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And I've had to say goodbye to

that version of myself as well.

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Interestingly enough.

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I do recall this one friendship

I had to say goodbye to.

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That was quite painful.

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This person I would have called

my best friend at the time.

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This was years ago, I was in a

really, really, really bad depression.

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now I understand as well, it

was like a dark night of the

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soul spiritually speaking.

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But during the day I put on my mask

and I went to school and I taught.

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And I socialized, but when I

came home, Aye went into what I

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called my cave, my living room.

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I close the blinds, was in the dark.

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I would sink into my couch.

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I would play song pop and just

do you want to escape my world.

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And it was this heaviness over me.

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This is where you have to say goodbye

to certain qualities or lack there of,

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and people, if they're not serving you

this person then I called my best friend.

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Um, Basically went on with

her days and ended up.

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Calling me out saying that I had

changed and what was wrong with me

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and I wasn't being a good friend.

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When I had mentioned before

in conversation, then I

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was feeling depressed.

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But she didn't hear that.

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And we ended up having this

fight and I had this meltdown.

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Basically about not being seen and instead

of coming in and saying, oh my goodness, I

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didn't know just how deep and dark it was.

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I didn't know all you

were going through, Jenny.

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How can I be there for you?

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She lashed out.

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Got really resentful of me.

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Got nasty and we stopped talking.

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I'm laughing because I understand

the bigger picture now.

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I was not laughing in the moment.

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I was very angry.

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I was upset, hurt all those feelings.

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People pleaser me.

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Could have chased after her.

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"Oh, I'm sorry.

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It wasn't there as a good friend."

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And "I'm so sorry that I made you

feel this way and you're upset.

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How can I fix this?"

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I could have done that, but I

said goodbye to that friendship.

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Because I want to say that was

probably one of my first times of

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truly, really putting a boundary up.

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I was not going to be treated that way.

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I was not going to have people in my

inner circle who behaved that way when

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I was at the lowest point in my life.

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And that is how the person

who's to respond to that.

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That's not working for me.

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So I had to say goodbye to it

and there is some empowerment

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and liberation in doing so.

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Even amongst the pain and the hurt and

the betrayal and all those heavy feelings.

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There was also a sense of freedom

of liberation of fuck yeah.

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I stood up for myself.

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Hell yeah, I got my own back.

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That is an addicting feeling.

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Especially for someone who's abandoned

herself her entire life -to not

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abandon yourself in those moments.

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Ooh, does that feel good.

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So I had to say goodbye

to that friendship.

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And I also had to say goodbye to

that pattern of allowing people to

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treat me that way and chasing after

them to try to bandage things up.

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And since then, you know,

it'll, I call it a flare up.

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Flare up once in awhile.

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I will have moments where all of a

sudden, I feel like I want to chase after

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someone and make them feel better even

at my own expense, but I catch myself.

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That's the difference.

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I catch myself and I say, no, no, no.

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Uh, we think about it.

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That that's a goodbye.

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Bye bye.

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Bye bye.

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That's not here anymore.

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In my ayurveda journey, I so

desperately wanted to say goodbye to

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this immense fatigue I was feeling.

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I was having terrible inflammation.

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I just felt so poorly physically and

exhausted, and I so badly wanted to say

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goodbye to it, so I was trying to focus

on what I want to say hello to, and I

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kept trying to add in all of these habits.

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Like the movement, the okay,

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don't nap.

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Um, make sure you do X, Y, Z

in the morning in the evening.

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But I hadn't found the root cause of

the stuff I want to say goodbye.

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I do.

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So I hadn't said goodbye to that.

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It was all still there feeling like shit.

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So.

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I ended up combining the concepts of

ayurveda, with going to the doctor

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and demanding seeing a specialist

in blood work, which led to tests

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and the diagnosis of celiac disease.

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Wouldn't you know, that when I found

that answer out, it explained everything.

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I was able to say goodbye to gluten.

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And I've noticed a buoy up of

energy and space and clarity.

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A losing of heaviness in my

body, whether it's physically

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losing weight and energetically.

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And now I have space to say

hello to more of these habits.

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I have the capacity, the energy

to do so, but if I hadn't been

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curious, About my current state.

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If I had just tried to ignore

it and stuff it down and just

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keep muddling through my days.

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I would still be feeling that way.

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I wouldn't have said goodbye to anything.

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And I wouldn't have consistently

said hello and kept these new habits.

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So it has to start with

a sense of curiosity.

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Oh, a wondering of why do I feel this way?

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What is going on and why?

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What needs to be said goodbye to,

and what needs to be said hello to.

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That was a game changer for me.

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I was able to use those habits, say

hello to those ayurveda to practices,

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to support me on my healing journey.

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Once I found, in my case, it was like

the root medical cause of this right.

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But this also applies to people pleasing.

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So that was my medical- my

physical ailment that was

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impacting all areas of my life.

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The same thing applies to our

mental and emotional habits

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and how we might deprioritize our

own wellbeing in our own selves.

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I think a lot of the times

when we are trying to heal.

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Whatever it may be, whether it was

healing my physical health with my

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ayurveda coach or healing people

pleasing habits within my relationships.

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Whatever the type of healing it may be.

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I think a lot of the times we have all

of these pieces of information that are

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given to us of what you should be doing.

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But we haven't made space for it by saying

goodbye to things that no longer service.

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So my suggestion for you, especially as

we're ending the end of the year here.

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As we come upon the winter solstice

here in the Northern hemisphere.

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Changing and seasons.

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It's the perfect time to make a list of

what you are ready to say goodbye to.

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So we're not making a list of to-do- we're

making a list of release, of goodbye.

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Sianora where there's this

people, places, things, habits,

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or beliefs within ourselves.

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So what are you willing to say goodbye to?

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Either believing about yourself or others.

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Saying about yourself or others.

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Doing against yourself, or for others

that are not serving your highest good.

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And once you decided what

you were ready to say goodbye

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to, and maybe it's one thing.

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That's perfect.

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Start with one.

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Once you say goodbye, then you can

start bringing in this a new stuff.

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We can start saying

hello to the new things.

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But I, at least I've learned this for

myself when I try to say hello to new

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things, and I haven't really dealt with

the shit that I'm here to say goodbye to.

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Um, I ended up saying

goodbye to the new stuff.

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It just doesn't infiltrate.

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It doesn't stick.

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It doesn't have the sticky, gooeyness

of belonging in my life yet, because I

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haven't said goodbye to the shit that

I need to let go of that's old baggage.

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I know that sounds complicated.

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I don't want you to

overcomplicate this at all.

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Just observe moments in your day when

maybe your stomach drops or your S your

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chest is tight, or you just feel blah

or someone says, or does something.

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That starts to make you

feel bad about yourself.

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Pause in that moment.

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And reflect.

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Is there something about this relationship

dynamic that needs to say goodbye.

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Or does this person believe

something about me and I agree

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with it that doesn't serve me.

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Do I need to say goodbye to that?

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Do I need to say goodbye to an entire

relationship or career or friendship?

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It could be any of those

levels, but just pay attention.

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Your daily life shows you

what you need to know.

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So don't rush into it.

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Meaning don't feel like this is

a homework assignment where you

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have to go sit down and journal.

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Write the second.

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But also don't put this

on the back burner.

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And just keep muddling along, allow

yourself to be open to that change.

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So again, What.

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Are you ready to say goodbye to?