What Is People Pleasing?

Jenny: 00:00:00

What is people pleasing?

2

: 00:00:02

There are so many different definitions,

perspectives, takes on people pleasing.

3

: 00:00:07

I don't think that's a very

easy question to answer.

4

: 00:00:10

But I'm going to try.

5

: 00:00:12

So I've been on this healing

journey for quite a while now.

6

: 00:00:14

How do you pinpoint when you start?

7

: 00:00:16

Sometimes you literally are like,

I can't take this anymore, and you,

8

: 00:00:20

I don't know, find a therapist and

start working through your shit.

9

: 00:00:23

But sometimes it's also a subtle thing.

10

: 00:00:25

Little tips and hints you pick up

from people along the way start

11

: 00:00:28

to add up, you start to implement

them, which starts to open your

12

: 00:00:31

eyes to see patterns in your life.

13

: 00:00:33

I think that's more of the path

that I've been on it's tied hands

14

: 00:00:36

with my spiritual journey, so let

me bring my worlds together for you.

15

: 00:00:40

This is my ever evolving definition

or description of people pleasing.

16

: 00:00:45

So people pleaser, first of all,

you're giving yourself a label.

17

: 00:00:48

So you're putting yourself in a box.

18

: 00:00:50

I know that my podcast is called

Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser.

19

: 00:00:54

That's to get your attention because

I know you're calling yourself that.

20

: 00:00:58

First step, Is to look at it as a habit,

a way of responding, not as an identity.

21

: 00:01:04

So, the title's my little sneaky way

of drawing you in to then tell you to

22

: 00:01:07

stop doing Because, when you do that,

you are projecting the power onto a

23

: 00:01:13

label instead of giving yourself the

power to change the old, create new.

24

: 00:01:17

Okay, that's part one.

25

: 00:01:18

But even bigger than that, to

me, people pleasing is a symptom.

26

: 00:01:23

Just like when you have the flu,

a symptom is getting a fever.

27

: 00:01:27

As a people pleaser, the is those

habits of doing what other people

28

: 00:01:32

want, trying to avoid conflict,

trying to keep everyone happy.

29

: 00:01:37

And what are you doing

when you do all that?

30

: 00:01:39

You're abandoning yourself.

31

: 00:01:41

Now, on the other side of things,

there's a U and a U, okay?

32

: 00:01:44

. Little U, big U.

33

: 00:01:46

Little U is your normal

identity here in your body.

34

: 00:01:50

In ness, in your humanity, okay?

35

: 00:01:53

That's you, your little ego,

your brain, all that stuff.

36

: 00:01:56

You're here and now, five senses.

37

: 00:01:58

Sensing your environment,

looking for threats.

38

: 00:02:00

Your nervous system is deciding

am I safe or not, but then you've

39

: 00:02:04

got the big U, capital Y O U.

40

: 00:02:07

There's all different names for this.

41

: 00:02:08

Highest self.

42

: 00:02:09

Inner being, your soul, whatever you

want to call it, it doesn't matter.

43

: 00:02:14

All you need to understand is

that's the true essence of you.

44

: 00:02:17

The idea that resonates most with me is

that a part of that soul, that highest

45

: 00:02:22

self, is connected and within this human

body and is having this human experience.

46

: 00:02:28

So when you people please, what you've

done is essentially disconnected yourself

47

: 00:02:33

from your highest self.

48

: 00:02:34

Because you always have a pipeline.

49

: 00:02:36

You always have a connection.

50

: 00:02:37

People call it intuition,

gut feeling, I just knew.

51

: 00:02:41

That's all signs that's all information

coming from your highest self.

52

: 00:02:45

Most of the time.

53

: 00:02:46

I guess I shouldn't make

generalities across the board,

54

: 00:02:49

but you get what I'm saying.

55

: 00:02:50

So, when you people please, you are

looking to the external world for

56

: 00:02:54

information about what to do next.

57

: 00:02:56

And ignoring your intuition, you start

to get worried because the feedback from

58

: 00:03:01

your environment is that it triggered your

nervous system and saying you're not safe.

59

: 00:03:05

So then you start to change your

habits or you start scrambling for

60

: 00:03:08

another choice to make yourself feel

safe by either, Over apologizing,

61

: 00:03:13

doing things that other people want

to do that you don't want to do.

62

: 00:03:16

So much so to the point that a lot

of people don't even know what they

63

: 00:03:19

personally like or want anymore

because that's what they've always

64

: 00:03:22

done, what the other person wants.

65

: 00:03:24

Your higher self, your inner

being, your soul, is like, Hello?

66

: 00:03:28

Is this thing on?

67

: 00:03:29

Tapping the mic?

68

: 00:03:30

Where is she?

69

: 00:03:31

Where is he?

70

: 00:03:31

Where are they?

71

: 00:03:32

Where are ya?

72

: 00:03:33

Because you've abandoned yourself,

and that feels like shit.

73

: 00:03:37

So, until you wake up out of

that trance of people pleasing,

74

: 00:03:41

you're going to stay stuck.

75

: 00:03:43

The fact that you're here listening to

this is just proof that you're not stuck

76

: 00:03:46

because you would not have gravitated

towards even listening to this if

77

: 00:03:50

there wasn't some awareness within you.

78

: 00:03:52

You wouldn't even know you're

people pleasing if you were

79

: 00:03:55

still totally in a trance.

80

: 00:03:56

It would just be how things are, right?

81

: 00:03:59

I lived part of my life that way.

82

: 00:04:01

I don't even know when I learned

what people pleasing is, but I

83

: 00:04:04

sure didn't know what it was,

like, teenage years, 20 something.

84

: 00:04:07

People just jokingly called me Mother Hen.

85

: 00:04:09

Now I know what it meant.

86

: 00:04:10

It was like, people pleaser galore, right?

87

: 00:04:14

Okay, circling back though.

88

: 00:04:15

The reason this is, to me, is a

symptom of a problem is because when

89

: 00:04:20

you are totally in alignment, you are

listening to your inner guidance system.

90

: 00:04:25

When you are listening to your

intuition, your gut instincts,

91

: 00:04:27

when you're listening to that and making

decisions from your inner Sovereignty?

92

: 00:04:32

you don't question what you're

doing because you feel strength

93

: 00:04:36

and grounded and confident.

94

: 00:04:38

When you are making your decisions

based off of what other people want

95

: 00:04:41

from you, of course you're going to

feel scattered, and frustrated, and

96

: 00:04:46

often resentful, or alone, or stressed.

97

: 00:04:49

Because you're not listening to your

inner compass, your inner guidance

98

: 00:04:51

system, you're listening to other people.

99

: 00:04:53

And those people might be

listening to their inner guidance

100

: 00:04:55

system, , you're tuned in to a

totally different radio station.

101

: 00:04:59

You're not even listening to your

own music, your own inner DJ.

102

: 00:05:02

You're listening to other people's music,

and you don't even like it, but you're

103

: 00:05:05

trying to control their radio stations.

104

: 00:05:07

When all you need to do is listen.

105

: 00:05:09

Switch the dial to tuning

in to your inner self.

106

: 00:05:13

And when you do that, and you start

oscillating between the two, you're

107

: 00:05:17

gonna notice a drastic difference

because there's relief when you

108

: 00:05:20

start tuning in to yourself.

109

: 00:05:22

And then when you go back to

your habit of people pleasing,

110

: 00:05:25

it's going to feel even ickier.

111

: 00:05:27

It's going to feel heavy.

112

: 00:05:28

You're going to feel downtrodden.

113

: 00:05:30

You're going to feel like, You are

stuck in the mud, because you are.

114

: 00:05:35

You're giving your energy over

to someone else's energy field.

115

: 00:05:40

And that's not what we're meant to do.

116

: 00:05:41

Now I'm not saying to go out there

and be a jackass to people and say,

117

: 00:05:45

My inner being said to do this.

118

: 00:05:47

Because it's always for the

highest good of all, okay?

119

: 00:05:50

That's not what I'm saying.

120

: 00:05:52

I'm saying people pleasing is a

symptom of abandoning yourself,

121

: 00:05:55

your connection between you and you.

122

: 00:05:57

Now how do you find this connection?

123

: 00:05:59

, quieting your mind is the first step,

whether that's going out in nature,

124

: 00:06:04

taking a walk, swimming in some water

outside, some body of water, breath work,

125

: 00:06:10

breathing, like purposely breathing.

126

: 00:06:12

Meditating, of course,

is one of my go tos.

127

: 00:06:15

, getting some sort of treatment done,

whether it's Reiki, acupuncture, some

128

: 00:06:20

type of hands on healing, massage.

129

: 00:06:23

, I don't care what it is, but something to

get you out of your mind and get you in

130

: 00:06:27

the present moment, , in the here and now.

131

: 00:06:29

And connect with , your body again,

because your body is the vessel that

132

: 00:06:33

connects you to your highest self.

133

: 00:06:35

That's the first step.

134

: 00:06:36

And then the next step

is trusting yourself.

135

: 00:06:40

When you get those nudges, when

you get those intuitive hits,

136

: 00:06:44

when you get those Aha moments.

137

: 00:06:45

Actually trusting yourself.

138

: 00:06:47

People pleasing means you've been

giving away your trust to other people.

139

: 00:06:51

You trust in other people.

140

: 00:06:52

You're just worrying about what

they feel and you trust that if they

141

: 00:06:56

make a decision that, okay, I'll

just go along with it, that's fine.

142

: 00:06:59

If they dictate how a relationship

runs, okay, that's fine.

143

: 00:07:03

You're putting all the trust

in other people and you totally

144

: 00:07:05

abandon trusting yourself.

145

: 00:07:08

So if you could start small, even

if it means, say you're with your co

146

: 00:07:12

workers and they want to go grab coffee.

147

: 00:07:15

And you really are not in the mood for

it, but , you always feel obliged to go,

148

: 00:07:18

even though you don't really like coffee.

149

: 00:07:20

Say, oh no, I'm good.

150

: 00:07:22

I'm weaning myself off coffee.

151

: 00:07:24

Nah, not today.

152

: 00:07:25

Thanks for inviting me though.

153

: 00:07:26

Start there.

154

: 00:07:27

See if you can handle the tension

of them saying, Wow, seriously?

155

: 00:07:31

You're not drinking coffee?

156

: 00:07:33

Can you handle that tension?

157

: 00:07:35

I know it sounds silly and arbitrary,

but damn, does that stuff hit when

158

: 00:07:38

you are a hardcore people pleaser.

159

: 00:07:41

Any of that uncomfortableness feels

like a volcanic eruption of emotions.

160

: 00:07:48

It does.

161

: 00:07:48

I laugh because I'm laughing at myself.

162

: 00:07:50

I totally get that that can be intense.

163

: 00:07:53

But if you can start small, and keep

going back to yourself, within, for

164

: 00:07:57

guidance on how to handle the tension,

guidance on what to do next, eventually

165

: 00:08:02

you'll find that that's more comfortable,

and you're naturally going to start

166

: 00:08:06

gravitating to doing that, than

worrying about what's on the outside.

167

: 00:08:10

Now, does this happen overnight?

168

: 00:08:12

Hell no!

169

: 00:08:14

Part of being a pupil pleaser, your

brain's involved here, you've got

170

: 00:08:17

neuron connections, you've got pathways.

171

: 00:08:19

Essentially what I'm saying is

you have deep seated habits and

172

: 00:08:23

beliefs behind those habits.

173

: 00:08:25

So this shit's not gonna

change overnight by any means.

174

: 00:08:28

But, you plan on living the

next days, weeks, months, and

175

: 00:08:32

years of your life, don't you?

176

: 00:08:34

You're going to go on with your life.

177

: 00:08:36

Wouldn't you like to maybe have that

life look a little different from

178

: 00:08:40

the past 20, 40 years of your life?

179

: 00:08:44

It starts here and now.

180

: 00:08:45

It starts with the, I don't

want coffee, no thank you.

181

: 00:08:48

It starts with the , little

choices I can make.

182

: 00:08:51

And eventually, they

become more comfortable.

183

: 00:08:54

It becomes more fun.

184

: 00:08:55

A reoccurring habit.

185

: 00:08:56

And then you start rewiring your brain,

and it starts looking at situations

186

: 00:09:00

differently, and you start approaching

relationships in a different way,

187

: 00:09:04

and your value system shifts, and

the stories you tell yourself shift.

188

: 00:09:08

And then over time, you'll look back over

the course of six months, a year, two

189

: 00:09:12

years, You'll look at old text messages

or emails or messages from people and

190

: 00:09:17

you'll think, who was that person who

wrapped up in all of this, drama?

191

: 00:09:22

I don't even resonate

with that person anymore.

192

: 00:09:24

Who wrote this?

193

: 00:09:25

Because it sure wasn't me.

194

: 00:09:27

And it wasn't current to you.

195

: 00:09:29

It wasn't from a healed space.

196

: 00:09:31

It was from the disconnected outer

world seeking people please self.

197

: 00:09:37

And then when you have

those aha moments, whoo!

198

: 00:09:39

Such a reward in that, you're

like, holy shit, I have changed!

199

: 00:09:44

Ugh!

200

: 00:09:44

That's the icing on the cake right there,

when you can actually See the physical

201

: 00:09:48

evidence of how your little moment

by moment effort has really paid off.

202

: 00:09:55

Now what?

203

: 00:09:55

You're like, great.

204

: 00:09:56

That sounds wonderful in theory.

205

: 00:09:58

What the hell am I supposed to do first?

206

: 00:10:00

Because this is how I've

always lived my life.

207

: 00:10:02

I, I totally get it.

208

: 00:10:04

And you're going to slip up and you just

need to come up to the point, you need

209

: 00:10:07

to come to the point where you're like,

I know I tend to people, please with

210

: 00:10:10

this person, that person, this situation.

211

: 00:10:13

And I accept that for now.

212

: 00:10:15

And I know that when I catch it, I'm

going to work on it little by little.

213

: 00:10:18

That's, you just need

to come to that point.

214

: 00:10:20

Yes, and yes, I tend to people

please with my mom, my brother,

215

: 00:10:25

my spouse, my co workers.

216

: 00:10:28

Yes, I tend to do that and I'm gonna

try out a little bit of meditation

217

: 00:10:33

to clear my mind and see what comes

through and I'm gonna try saying no

218

: 00:10:38

to one thing every day and see if I

can work through it for a whole month.

219

: 00:10:42

And, I'm going to journal about my

feelings, and I'm going to actually

220

: 00:10:49

start telling people I need a

little bit to think about something

221

: 00:10:52

instead of reacting in the moment

and automatically saying yes.

222

: 00:10:55

That's how change begins

so what can you do?

223

: 00:10:59

This is a personal decision right now.

224

: 00:11:01

Start where the stakes aren't as high.

225

: 00:11:03

Do not start with your direct

family relationships and those

226

: 00:11:07

deeply entrenched feelings.

227

: 00:11:10

Don't start with all that.

228

: 00:11:11

Start with the lighter stuff.

229

: 00:11:12

Your outer circle.

230

: 00:11:13

Start small.

231

: 00:11:14

Where can you start today?

232

: 00:11:16

Yes, I people please with

this person, place, or thing.

233

: 00:11:19

And, I'm going to try this

out to see what happens.

234

: 00:11:23

Just be curious.

235

: 00:11:24

Stay curious.

236

: 00:11:25

Not attached.

237

: 00:11:26

Just be curious.

238

: 00:11:28

Light and breezy.

239

: 00:11:28

Easy peasy.

240

: 00:11:30

No worries.

241

: 00:11:31

Just try it.

242

: 00:11:32

Just see.

243

: 00:11:33

Just see what happens.

244

: 00:11:34

There's nothing serious going on here.

245

: 00:11:36

You're just trying something.

246

: 00:11:37

That's all.

247

: 00:11:38

So make that commitment to yourself, and

I don't know if you're a tech person, but

248

: 00:11:41

me, I love my Reminders app on my phone.

249

: 00:11:45

I also love Google Keep.

250

: 00:11:46

They're game changers for me.

251

: 00:11:48

So you can set a reoccurring reminder

on your calendar app, a reminder

252

: 00:11:51

app, to literally remind you to do

something, whether it's meditation,

253

: 00:11:55

breath work, saying no to one small

thing every day, whatever it is.

254

: 00:11:59

Make that commitment to yourself

because you can listen to all the

255

: 00:12:02

podcast episodes in the world, read

all the inspirational quotes in

256

: 00:12:06

the world, and read all the books.

257

: 00:12:08

That's fine and dandy, but jack shit

will change unless you actually start

258

: 00:12:13

making the physical action towards change.

259

: 00:12:17

Nothing will change.

260

: 00:12:18

You will just become a perpetual

learner and you will start hiding behind

261

: 00:12:23

information instead of implementing it.

262

: 00:12:26

I speak from experience.

263

: 00:12:28

So just know that you are worthy.

264

: 00:12:30

You are your own sovereign special

being who has the superpower connection.

265

: 00:12:35

To your inner being, or your

highest self, or your soul.

266

: 00:12:38

And you have access to that 24

7 and have every right to access

267

: 00:12:41

that to make any decision.

268

: 00:12:43

And you deserve to have that be numero

uno in any decision making situation.

269

: 00:12:49

Start relying on that connection

and it will actually benefit and

270

: 00:12:53

enhance your human connections.

271

: 00:12:56

Thanks for being open minded about this.

272

: 00:12:58

I would love to hear your feedback.

273

: 00:12:59

Drop me a comment or send me an email.

274

: 00:13:02

I want to know how this resonated

with you and how things are going.

275

: 00:13:05

Take it easy!