Ep 1: What Is People Pleasing?

Jenny: 00:00:00

What is people pleasing?

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There are so many different definitions,

perspectives, takes on people pleasing.

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I don't think that's a very

easy question to answer.

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But I'm going to try.

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So I've been on this healing

journey for quite a while now.

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How do you pinpoint when you start?

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Sometimes you literally are like,

I can't take this anymore, and you,

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I don't know, find a therapist and

start working through your shit.

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But sometimes it's also a subtle thing.

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Little tips and hints you pick up

from people along the way start

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to add up, you start to implement

them, which starts to open your

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eyes to see patterns in your life.

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I think that's more of the path

that I've been on it's tied hands

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with my spiritual journey, so let

me bring my worlds together for you.

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This is my ever evolving definition

or description of people pleasing.

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So people pleaser, first of all,

you're giving yourself a label.

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So you're putting yourself in a box.

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I know that my podcast is called

Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser.

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That's to get your attention because

I know you're calling yourself that.

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First step, Is to look at it as a habit,

a way of responding, not as an identity.

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So, the title's my little sneaky way

of drawing you in to then tell you to

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stop doing Because, when you do that,

you are projecting the power onto a

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label instead of giving yourself the

power to change the old, create new.

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Okay, that's part one.

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But even bigger than that, to

me, people pleasing is a symptom.

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Just like when you have the flu,

a symptom is getting a fever.

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As a people pleaser, the is those

habits of doing what other people

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want, trying to avoid conflict,

trying to keep everyone happy.

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And what are you doing

when you do all that?

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You're abandoning yourself.

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Now, on the other side of things,

there's a U and a U, okay?

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. Little U, big U.

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Little U is your normal

identity here in your body.

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In ness, in your humanity, okay?

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That's you, your little ego,

your brain, all that stuff.

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You're here and now, five senses.

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Sensing your environment,

looking for threats.

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Your nervous system is deciding

am I safe or not, but then you've

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got the big U, capital Y O U.

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There's all different names for this.

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Highest self.

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Inner being, your soul, whatever you

want to call it, it doesn't matter.

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All you need to understand is

that's the true essence of you.

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The idea that resonates most with me is

that a part of that soul, that highest

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self, is connected and within this human

body and is having this human experience.

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So when you people please, what you've

done is essentially disconnected yourself

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from your highest self.

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Because you always have a pipeline.

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You always have a connection.

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People call it intuition,

gut feeling, I just knew.

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That's all signs that's all information

coming from your highest self.

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Most of the time.

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I guess I shouldn't make

generalities across the board,

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but you get what I'm saying.

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So, when you people please, you are

looking to the external world for

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information about what to do next.

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And ignoring your intuition, you start

to get worried because the feedback from

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your environment is that it triggered your

nervous system and saying you're not safe.

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So then you start to change your

habits or you start scrambling for

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another choice to make yourself feel

safe by either, Over apologizing,

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doing things that other people want

to do that you don't want to do.

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So much so to the point that a lot

of people don't even know what they

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personally like or want anymore

because that's what they've always

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done, what the other person wants.

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Your higher self, your inner

being, your soul, is like, Hello?

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Is this thing on?

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Tapping the mic?

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Where is she?

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Where is he?

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Where are they?

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Where are ya?

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Because you've abandoned yourself,

and that feels like shit.

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So, until you wake up out of

that trance of people pleasing,

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you're going to stay stuck.

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The fact that you're here listening to

this is just proof that you're not stuck

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because you would not have gravitated

towards even listening to this if

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there wasn't some awareness within you.

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You wouldn't even know you're

people pleasing if you were

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still totally in a trance.

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It would just be how things are, right?

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I lived part of my life that way.

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I don't even know when I learned

what people pleasing is, but I

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sure didn't know what it was,

like, teenage years, 20 something.

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People just jokingly called me Mother Hen.

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Now I know what it meant.

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It was like, people pleaser galore, right?

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Okay, circling back though.

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The reason this is, to me, is a

symptom of a problem is because when

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you are totally in alignment, you are

listening to your inner guidance system.

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When you are listening to your

intuition, your gut instincts,

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when you're listening to that and making

decisions from your inner Sovereignty?

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you don't question what you're

doing because you feel strength

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and grounded and confident.

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When you are making your decisions

based off of what other people want

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from you, of course you're going to

feel scattered, and frustrated, and

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often resentful, or alone, or stressed.

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Because you're not listening to your

inner compass, your inner guidance

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system, you're listening to other people.

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And those people might be

listening to their inner guidance

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system, , you're tuned in to a

totally different radio station.

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You're not even listening to your

own music, your own inner DJ.

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You're listening to other people's music,

and you don't even like it, but you're

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trying to control their radio stations.

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When all you need to do is listen.

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Switch the dial to tuning

in to your inner self.

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And when you do that, and you start

oscillating between the two, you're

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gonna notice a drastic difference

because there's relief when you

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start tuning in to yourself.

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And then when you go back to

your habit of people pleasing,

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it's going to feel even ickier.

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It's going to feel heavy.

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You're going to feel downtrodden.

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You're going to feel like, You are

stuck in the mud, because you are.

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You're giving your energy over

to someone else's energy field.

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And that's not what we're meant to do.

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Now I'm not saying to go out there

and be a jackass to people and say,

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My inner being said to do this.

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Because it's always for the

highest good of all, okay?

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That's not what I'm saying.

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I'm saying people pleasing is a

symptom of abandoning yourself,

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your connection between you and you.

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Now how do you find this connection?

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, quieting your mind is the first step,

whether that's going out in nature,

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taking a walk, swimming in some water

outside, some body of water, breath work,

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breathing, like purposely breathing.

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Meditating, of course,

is one of my go tos.

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, getting some sort of treatment done,

whether it's Reiki, acupuncture, some

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type of hands on healing, massage.

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, I don't care what it is, but something to

get you out of your mind and get you in

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the present moment, , in the here and now.

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And connect with , your body again,

because your body is the vessel that

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connects you to your highest self.

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That's the first step.

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And then the next step

is trusting yourself.

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When you get those nudges, when

you get those intuitive hits,

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when you get those Aha moments.

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Actually trusting yourself.

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People pleasing means you've been

giving away your trust to other people.

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You trust in other people.

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You're just worrying about what

they feel and you trust that if they

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make a decision that, okay, I'll

just go along with it, that's fine.

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If they dictate how a relationship

runs, okay, that's fine.

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You're putting all the trust

in other people and you totally

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abandon trusting yourself.

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So if you could start small, even

if it means, say you're with your co

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workers and they want to go grab coffee.

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And you really are not in the mood for

it, but , you always feel obliged to go,

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even though you don't really like coffee.

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Say, oh no, I'm good.

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I'm weaning myself off coffee.

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Nah, not today.

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Thanks for inviting me though.

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Start there.

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See if you can handle the tension

of them saying, Wow, seriously?

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You're not drinking coffee?

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Can you handle that tension?

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I know it sounds silly and arbitrary,

but damn, does that stuff hit when

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you are a hardcore people pleaser.

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Any of that uncomfortableness feels

like a volcanic eruption of emotions.

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It does.

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I laugh because I'm laughing at myself.

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I totally get that that can be intense.

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But if you can start small, and keep

going back to yourself, within, for

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guidance on how to handle the tension,

guidance on what to do next, eventually

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you'll find that that's more comfortable,

and you're naturally going to start

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gravitating to doing that, than

worrying about what's on the outside.

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Now, does this happen overnight?

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Hell no!

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Part of being a pupil pleaser, your

brain's involved here, you've got

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neuron connections, you've got pathways.

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Essentially what I'm saying is

you have deep seated habits and

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beliefs behind those habits.

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So this shit's not gonna

change overnight by any means.

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But, you plan on living the

next days, weeks, months, and

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years of your life, don't you?

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You're going to go on with your life.

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Wouldn't you like to maybe have that

life look a little different from

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the past 20, 40 years of your life?

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It starts here and now.

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It starts with the, I don't

want coffee, no thank you.

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It starts with the , little

choices I can make.

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And eventually, they

become more comfortable.

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It becomes more fun.

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A reoccurring habit.

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And then you start rewiring your brain,

and it starts looking at situations

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differently, and you start approaching

relationships in a different way,

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and your value system shifts, and

the stories you tell yourself shift.

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And then over time, you'll look back over

the course of six months, a year, two

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years, You'll look at old text messages

or emails or messages from people and

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you'll think, who was that person who

wrapped up in all of this, drama?

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I don't even resonate

with that person anymore.

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Who wrote this?

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Because it sure wasn't me.

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And it wasn't current to you.

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It wasn't from a healed space.

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It was from the disconnected outer

world seeking people please self.

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And then when you have

those aha moments, whoo!

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Such a reward in that, you're

like, holy shit, I have changed!

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Ugh!

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That's the icing on the cake right there,

when you can actually See the physical

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evidence of how your little moment

by moment effort has really paid off.

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Now what?

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You're like, great.

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That sounds wonderful in theory.

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What the hell am I supposed to do first?

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Because this is how I've

always lived my life.

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I, I totally get it.

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And you're going to slip up and you just

need to come up to the point, you need

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to come to the point where you're like,

I know I tend to people, please with

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this person, that person, this situation.

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And I accept that for now.

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And I know that when I catch it, I'm

going to work on it little by little.

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That's, you just need

to come to that point.

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Yes, and yes, I tend to people

please with my mom, my brother,

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my spouse, my co workers.

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Yes, I tend to do that and I'm gonna

try out a little bit of meditation

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to clear my mind and see what comes

through and I'm gonna try saying no

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to one thing every day and see if I

can work through it for a whole month.

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And, I'm going to journal about my

feelings, and I'm going to actually

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start telling people I need a

little bit to think about something

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instead of reacting in the moment

and automatically saying yes.

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That's how change begins

so what can you do?

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This is a personal decision right now.

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Start where the stakes aren't as high.

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Do not start with your direct

family relationships and those

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deeply entrenched feelings.

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Don't start with all that.

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Start with the lighter stuff.

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Your outer circle.

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Start small.

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Where can you start today?

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Yes, I people please with

this person, place, or thing.

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And, I'm going to try this

out to see what happens.

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Just be curious.

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Stay curious.

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Not attached.

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Just be curious.

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Light and breezy.

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Easy peasy.

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No worries.

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Just try it.

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Just see.

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Just see what happens.

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There's nothing serious going on here.

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You're just trying something.

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That's all.

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So make that commitment to yourself, and

I don't know if you're a tech person, but

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me, I love my Reminders app on my phone.

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I also love Google Keep.

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They're game changers for me.

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So you can set a reoccurring reminder

on your calendar app, a reminder

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app, to literally remind you to do

something, whether it's meditation,

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breath work, saying no to one small

thing every day, whatever it is.

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Make that commitment to yourself

because you can listen to all the

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podcast episodes in the world, read

all the inspirational quotes in

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the world, and read all the books.

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That's fine and dandy, but jack shit

will change unless you actually start

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making the physical action towards change.

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Nothing will change.

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You will just become a perpetual

learner and you will start hiding behind

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information instead of implementing it.

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I speak from experience.

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So just know that you are worthy.

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You are your own sovereign special

being who has the superpower connection.

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To your inner being, or your

highest self, or your soul.

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And you have access to that 24

7 and have every right to access

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that to make any decision.

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And you deserve to have that be numero

uno in any decision making situation.

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Start relying on that connection

and it will actually benefit and

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enhance your human connections.

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Thanks for being open minded about this.

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I would love to hear your feedback.

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Drop me a comment or send me an email.

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I want to know how this resonated

with you and how things are going.

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Take it easy!