Putting Myself in the Equation: Prioritizing Self-Care To Heal People Pleasing

Speaker: 00:00:00

One of the biggest shifts I've

experienced on my people pleaser

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healing journey is I used to fear

losing people in relationships.

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And that has moved to fear of losing

myself to people or relationships.

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I wasn't even in the equation before.

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I didn't take my own

needs into consideration.

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I was centering the people, relationships,

jobs, situations in my life.

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Those were the center of my world.

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I was nowhere to be found.

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I've started de centering relationships,

people, places, things, if you

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will, and centering my own needs.

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Now, some people would say, that's

selfish, you have people who rely

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on you, you care about people,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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I didn't say that they were

totally cut out of my life.

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You know in math how they

have the order of operations?

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Do you remember that back in school?

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Like, if it's in the

parentheses, you do that first.

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Multiply, divide, add, subtract.

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I wasn't even in that equation.

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Or if I was, I was way at the end.

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Like, way, way, way, way, way,

way down the end of the formula.

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All I'm saying is, I'm first now.

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In order of operations in

my life, Jenny comes first.

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Jenny is deciding what she

needs for her well being.

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If I take care of what I need for myself,

then I can better serve my relationships,

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my business, my hobbies, my pets.

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It doesn't matter what you put

at the other end of the equation.

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I can better serve them

if I include myself first.

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What does that look like

in my day to day life?

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Well, I'd say I started by saying no,

being brave and maybe saying no to an

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offer for plans, but it's not just

about, no, it's not just negative.

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It's about what are you

ushering in as well?

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I've ushered in time at

night for me to decompress.

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Every night, if I'm going up

to bed, I'm not going to sleep.

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That's my "I'm not socializing

anymore/ we're shutting down the

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system here" time, and that means I'm

putting my legs up the wall, and I'm

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putting my Ayurveda oil in my nose.

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I know that sounds weird, but it's

really helped my sinuses, and I'm doing

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meditation, or I'm reading my book , and

I'm stretching, I'm letting go of the

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day and returning back home to myself.

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That's what I'm talking about.

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That's what adding the equation is.

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Is that hurting any of my relationships by

me at night going and putting my freaking

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legs up the wall and putting some oil

in my nose ? It is not hurting anyone,

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if anything that's helping everyone

because The next day, my hips aren't

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aching, my sinuses aren't experiencing

a lot of pain, I'm in a better mood.

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I'm sleeping better, so I'm able to

be more productive in my business.

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I'm more friendly to people

I meet on the street.

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I don't have road rage

because I'm not crabby, right?

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Those little moments that you integrate

into your everyday are what turn the tide.

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They're what make the difference.

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So, yes, you do need to set

boundaries, that's the hot topic now,

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boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

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But boundaries don't have to be negative,

they don't have to be defensive mode.

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They can also be things

that you're adding in.

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So essentially, that's a boundary for me.

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My whole nightly routine is a boundary.

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Because I'm saying, okay, I'm not

answering text messages right now.

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I'm not talking to anyone.

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I'm not sending voice memos.

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I'm not on social media.

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This is me time.

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See y'all tomorrow.

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If you text me, my legs are up the

wall, well, I'm not seeing it because

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now my phone's on do not disturb,

but I'm also not responding to you.

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That's my own internal boundary.

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Um, am I losing friendships because I'm

not responding to a text message at 10 p.

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m.?

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Hell no, I'm not!

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And if I do lose friends because

I didn't respond at 10 p.

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m., screw that!

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You shouldn't be in my life because what

in the world - that is some selfishness

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to think that they deserve access

to me anytime I'm doing anything.

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That doesn't make sense.

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So start by examining how you're

making your decisions every day.

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What is the barometer that you're using?

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Is it other people- centered, or

is it your wellbeing- centered?

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Who are you centering in your life?

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No judgment.

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No shame.

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No criticism of yourself.

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Don't go there.

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This is just how it is.

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Plain and simple.

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Information is power.

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If you can understand yourself at your

current state, then you can understand

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areas that you can start to shift.

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Be analytical about it.

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That's one of the

biggest things I can say.

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Start to be the observer of your

life, the observer of your patterns.

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Don't be the judge and the executioner.

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So deciding, am I doing X, Y, Z after

work because I feel bad and guilty,

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or I feel like I've got a case of

the shoulds- I should be doing this

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for my friend, for my parent, for my

spouse, for my kid, whatever it is.

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Shoulds??

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Are you "shoulding" or, is it truly

from a place of, this fulfills me.

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This aligns with what I need right now.

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It doesn't take anything away from me to

compromise and do this thing even though

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maybe I don't really want to do it.

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It's not depleting me because I

think that's also a side note, too.

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Yes, there's compromise in relationships.

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This doesn't mean become this

individualistic jerk, right?

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You can compromise and sometimes you

will do things for people you care

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about that you don't really love.

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But there's a difference between

doing that because you love them

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and you're compromising and you

want to support them versus guilt,

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shame, should, that heaviness.

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It's a subtle feeling difference

that you can mainly only feel

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it dropping into your body.

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From there you can decide

where you want to target first.

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Where you want to gently play with

maybe making some different decisions.

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Maybe instead of even starting

with people, start with yourself.

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What can you add in for yourself?

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Keeping everything else the same, because

you're not going to change overnight.

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Starting with yourself.

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What can I add in to counter all of

those other people - decision making?

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If you're always doing what other

people want, where can you add in

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something that you would like such as my

evening routine with legs up the wall.

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All that to say, yes, those are

all practical steps you can take,

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but it starts with self awareness.

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Every time you're making a decision,

just ask yourself in your mind, is

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this decision truly for the highest

good of me and good of all, or am I

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doing this out of guilt, shame, should?

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Am I centering it around the other person,

or is this decision centered around

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me and my wellbeing and the wellbeing

of all my relationships in my life?

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Start there and take it

one moment at a time.