Ep 5: Putting Myself in the Equation: Prioritizing Self-Care To Heal People Pleasing

Speaker: 00:00:00

One of the biggest shifts I've

experienced on my people pleaser

2

: 00:00:03

healing journey is I used to fear

losing people in relationships.

3

: 00:00:09

And that has moved to fear of losing

myself to people or relationships.

4

: 00:00:15

I wasn't even in the equation before.

5

: 00:00:17

I didn't take my own

needs into consideration.

6

: 00:00:20

I was centering the people, relationships,

jobs, situations in my life.

7

: 00:00:26

Those were the center of my world.

8

: 00:00:28

I was nowhere to be found.

9

: 00:00:30

I've started de centering relationships,

people, places, things, if you

10

: 00:00:34

will, and centering my own needs.

11

: 00:00:37

Now, some people would say, that's

selfish, you have people who rely

12

: 00:00:41

on you, you care about people,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

13

: 00:00:44

I didn't say that they were

totally cut out of my life.

14

: 00:00:47

You know in math how they

have the order of operations?

15

: 00:00:50

Do you remember that back in school?

16

: 00:00:52

Like, if it's in the

parentheses, you do that first.

17

: 00:00:54

Multiply, divide, add, subtract.

18

: 00:00:56

I wasn't even in that equation.

19

: 00:00:58

Or if I was, I was way at the end.

20

: 00:01:01

Like, way, way, way, way, way,

way down the end of the formula.

21

: 00:01:04

All I'm saying is, I'm first now.

22

: 00:01:07

In order of operations in

my life, Jenny comes first.

23

: 00:01:10

Jenny is deciding what she

needs for her well being.

24

: 00:01:14

If I take care of what I need for myself,

then I can better serve my relationships,

25

: 00:01:20

my business, my hobbies, my pets.

26

: 00:01:23

It doesn't matter what you put

at the other end of the equation.

27

: 00:01:27

I can better serve them

if I include myself first.

28

: 00:01:30

What does that look like

in my day to day life?

29

: 00:01:33

Well, I'd say I started by saying no,

being brave and maybe saying no to an

30

: 00:01:39

offer for plans, but it's not just

about, no, it's not just negative.

31

: 00:01:44

It's about what are you

ushering in as well?

32

: 00:01:46

I've ushered in time at

night for me to decompress.

33

: 00:01:50

Every night, if I'm going up

to bed, I'm not going to sleep.

34

: 00:01:54

That's my "I'm not socializing

anymore/ we're shutting down the

35

: 00:01:58

system here" time, and that means I'm

putting my legs up the wall, and I'm

36

: 00:02:03

putting my Ayurveda oil in my nose.

37

: 00:02:06

I know that sounds weird, but it's

really helped my sinuses, and I'm doing

38

: 00:02:09

meditation, or I'm reading my book , and

I'm stretching, I'm letting go of the

39

: 00:02:14

day and returning back home to myself.

40

: 00:02:17

That's what I'm talking about.

41

: 00:02:19

That's what adding the equation is.

42

: 00:02:21

Is that hurting any of my relationships by

me at night going and putting my freaking

43

: 00:02:25

legs up the wall and putting some oil

in my nose ? It is not hurting anyone,

44

: 00:02:30

if anything that's helping everyone

because The next day, my hips aren't

45

: 00:02:34

aching, my sinuses aren't experiencing

a lot of pain, I'm in a better mood.

46

: 00:02:39

I'm sleeping better, so I'm able to

be more productive in my business.

47

: 00:02:43

I'm more friendly to people

I meet on the street.

48

: 00:02:47

I don't have road rage

because I'm not crabby, right?

49

: 00:02:51

Those little moments that you integrate

into your everyday are what turn the tide.

50

: 00:02:58

They're what make the difference.

51

: 00:02:59

So, yes, you do need to set

boundaries, that's the hot topic now,

52

: 00:03:03

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

53

: 00:03:05

But boundaries don't have to be negative,

they don't have to be defensive mode.

54

: 00:03:09

They can also be things

that you're adding in.

55

: 00:03:11

So essentially, that's a boundary for me.

56

: 00:03:15

My whole nightly routine is a boundary.

57

: 00:03:17

Because I'm saying, okay, I'm not

answering text messages right now.

58

: 00:03:21

I'm not talking to anyone.

59

: 00:03:22

I'm not sending voice memos.

60

: 00:03:23

I'm not on social media.

61

: 00:03:25

This is me time.

62

: 00:03:26

See y'all tomorrow.

63

: 00:03:27

If you text me, my legs are up the

wall, well, I'm not seeing it because

64

: 00:03:31

now my phone's on do not disturb,

but I'm also not responding to you.

65

: 00:03:35

That's my own internal boundary.

66

: 00:03:37

Um, am I losing friendships because I'm

not responding to a text message at 10 p.

67

: 00:03:40

m.?

68

: 00:03:41

Hell no, I'm not!

69

: 00:03:42

And if I do lose friends because

I didn't respond at 10 p.

70

: 00:03:45

m., screw that!

71

: 00:03:47

You shouldn't be in my life because what

in the world - that is some selfishness

72

: 00:03:52

to think that they deserve access

to me anytime I'm doing anything.

73

: 00:03:56

That doesn't make sense.

74

: 00:03:58

So start by examining how you're

making your decisions every day.

75

: 00:04:01

What is the barometer that you're using?

76

: 00:04:03

Is it other people- centered, or

is it your wellbeing- centered?

77

: 00:04:08

Who are you centering in your life?

78

: 00:04:10

No judgment.

79

: 00:04:11

No shame.

80

: 00:04:13

No criticism of yourself.

81

: 00:04:15

Don't go there.

82

: 00:04:16

This is just how it is.

83

: 00:04:18

Plain and simple.

84

: 00:04:19

Information is power.

85

: 00:04:21

If you can understand yourself at your

current state, then you can understand

86

: 00:04:26

areas that you can start to shift.

87

: 00:04:28

Be analytical about it.

88

: 00:04:30

That's one of the

biggest things I can say.

89

: 00:04:33

Start to be the observer of your

life, the observer of your patterns.

90

: 00:04:37

Don't be the judge and the executioner.

91

: 00:04:40

So deciding, am I doing X, Y, Z after

work because I feel bad and guilty,

92

: 00:04:46

or I feel like I've got a case of

the shoulds- I should be doing this

93

: 00:04:50

for my friend, for my parent, for my

spouse, for my kid, whatever it is.

94

: 00:04:54

Shoulds??

95

: 00:04:55

Are you "shoulding" or, is it truly

from a place of, this fulfills me.

96

: 00:05:00

This aligns with what I need right now.

97

: 00:05:03

It doesn't take anything away from me to

compromise and do this thing even though

98

: 00:05:07

maybe I don't really want to do it.

99

: 00:05:09

It's not depleting me because I

think that's also a side note, too.

100

: 00:05:13

Yes, there's compromise in relationships.

101

: 00:05:15

This doesn't mean become this

individualistic jerk, right?

102

: 00:05:20

You can compromise and sometimes you

will do things for people you care

103

: 00:05:23

about that you don't really love.

104

: 00:05:25

But there's a difference between

doing that because you love them

105

: 00:05:27

and you're compromising and you

want to support them versus guilt,

106

: 00:05:31

shame, should, that heaviness.

107

: 00:05:34

It's a subtle feeling difference

that you can mainly only feel

108

: 00:05:37

it dropping into your body.

109

: 00:05:39

From there you can decide

where you want to target first.

110

: 00:05:43

Where you want to gently play with

maybe making some different decisions.

111

: 00:05:48

Maybe instead of even starting

with people, start with yourself.

112

: 00:05:53

What can you add in for yourself?

113

: 00:05:55

Keeping everything else the same, because

you're not going to change overnight.

114

: 00:05:58

Starting with yourself.

115

: 00:06:00

What can I add in to counter all of

those other people - decision making?

116

: 00:06:05

If you're always doing what other

people want, where can you add in

117

: 00:06:08

something that you would like such as my

evening routine with legs up the wall.

118

: 00:06:12

All that to say, yes, those are

all practical steps you can take,

119

: 00:06:16

but it starts with self awareness.

120

: 00:06:19

Every time you're making a decision,

just ask yourself in your mind, is

121

: 00:06:22

this decision truly for the highest

good of me and good of all, or am I

122

: 00:06:29

doing this out of guilt, shame, should?

123

: 00:06:31

Am I centering it around the other person,

or is this decision centered around

124

: 00:06:35

me and my wellbeing and the wellbeing

of all my relationships in my life?

125

: 00:06:40

Start there and take it

one moment at a time.