Ep 3: Tolerate the Tension - The Key to Heal People Pleaser Habits

Jenny: 00:00:00

Tolerating the tension means really being in tune with your body

2

: 00:00:04

and your mind body connection, taking a

step back and observing what comes up.

3

: 00:00:11

You have your own scale of tension levels.

4

: 00:00:14

You've got a little tension, Which

is maybe feeling a little bit

5

: 00:00:18

uncomfortable But then the other

extreme is pure fear frozen in time.

6

: 00:00:23

In between there is the sliding scale of

levels of tension that you are enduring.

7

: 00:00:29

Only you can answer how much

tension is enough tension.

8

: 00:00:33

You want to be able to force yourself

out of your comfort zone a little or

9

: 00:00:37

else you'll never grow, but you don't

want it to be to the point where you

10

: 00:00:41

feel frozen and it's activating your

nervous system to the point where

11

: 00:00:45

you regress and want to crawl within

your shell and not do anything.

12

: 00:00:50

That is the subtle work finding

out how to tolerate the tension

13

: 00:00:54

and then when to ease off because

it's a little too much tension.

14

: 00:00:58

It takes baby steps in growth

and this applies to anything

15

: 00:01:01

not just people pleasing.

16

: 00:01:02

This involves any change

that you want to make.

17

: 00:01:05

I was just doing that right now as I was

planning something within my business.

18

: 00:01:10

I had a concept come across on social

media I started brainstorming ideas

19

: 00:01:16

and I started to feel really sick in my

stomach And that made me realize okay.

20

: 00:01:20

That was too far.

21

: 00:01:21

The tension was too far for me.

22

: 00:01:23

It wasn't an uncomfortable but do it way.

23

: 00:01:25

It was a oh my god.

24

: 00:01:26

I can't do this.

25

: 00:01:27

That was my warning sign that okay, you're

not quite ready for that expansive step.

26

: 00:01:33

Let's back it up and then start

with incremental little baby steps.

27

: 00:01:38

That was telling me that I

was jumping too far from

28

: 00:01:41

where I am to where I'm going.

29

: 00:01:43

So sometimes we need to

break down the tension.

30

: 00:01:45

We need to break down how far we are

pushing ourselves at any given moment.

31

: 00:01:51

But the key is to learn

how to tolerate it.

32

: 00:01:54

And the more you can sit with

uncomfortable emotions, the more it

33

: 00:01:59

becomes easier because , remember we're

observing- we're detaching ourselves

34

: 00:02:03

and looking at everything that's

happening, like our lives are in

35

: 00:02:06

a snow globe and we're observing

where we are in the scale and

36

: 00:02:10

what is causing us to go too far.

37

: 00:02:13

What element of a situation, of a

topic, of an idea, of a conversation,

38

: 00:02:17

whatever you're experiencing in

that moment, what was too far?

39

: 00:02:20

So for instance, going back to

what I was talking about, what was

40

: 00:02:23

too far was focusing on applying

my podcast to like marketing and

41

: 00:02:31

breaking it up on other platforms.

42

: 00:02:33

It was freaking me out.

43

: 00:02:34

So I was like, okay, that's a sign

that I'm getting too far ahead.

44

: 00:02:38

It doesn't mean I'm not going to do it.

45

: 00:02:39

And I will push myself out of my comfort

zone, but maybe I need to focus on a

46

: 00:02:44

little smaller of a task right now.

47

: 00:02:47

So what is it that sends

you too far over the edge?

48

: 00:02:51

where you are to the edge.

49

: 00:02:53

How can you break that up

into little baby steps?

50

: 00:02:56

How can you break that up into

little mini tension situations,

51

: 00:03:00

little tension experiences?

52

: 00:03:02

What I mean by that is say

you're people pleasing.

53

: 00:03:06

You always people please your boss and

your boss is always dumping a bunch

54

: 00:03:10

of work on you that is not part of

your job title and you don't have time

55

: 00:03:14

for, but you don't know how to say no.

56

: 00:03:16

Going from Doing everything your

boss asks of with a smile, even

57

: 00:03:20

though inside you're dying.

58

: 00:03:22

To, no, I cannot do that, you

need to give it to someone else.

59

: 00:03:25

That is a huge tension jump holy shit.

60

: 00:03:28

No.

61

: 00:03:29

Your body's gonna go into freeze mode.

62

: 00:03:31

That's not happening.

63

: 00:03:33

But, to get from where you are to

there, cause that's the end goal,

64

: 00:03:37

is to be able to hold that boundary.

65

: 00:03:39

How can you break that up into

little practices of mini tensions?

66

: 00:03:43

Maybe when your boss comes in and

asks you to do that, you just focus

67

: 00:03:47

on for today, I'm not going to give my

fake smile, I'm just going to have a

68

: 00:03:51

neutral look on my face when I say yes.

69

: 00:03:54

That's tension because you

know we communicate our

70

: 00:03:56

emotions with our face, right?

71

: 00:03:58

So that is a tension, that is a

little bit uncomfortable feeling, but

72

: 00:04:02

it's not No, I'm not gonna do this.

73

: 00:04:04

Go find someone else to do it.

74

: 00:04:05

Why are you always asking me?"

75

: 00:04:07

It's not confronting it, right?

76

: 00:04:09

Maybe you just focus on the

facial expression for a week

77

: 00:04:12

or two until that feels okay.

78

: 00:04:15

Like you're not going to love

it at first, but it feels okay.

79

: 00:04:18

You don't feel like you're

dying inside, right?

80

: 00:04:20

You don't feel sick.

81

: 00:04:21

I'm laughing because I've gone through

all this and I still go through this.

82

: 00:04:24

Trust me.

83

: 00:04:25

This is laughing out of empathy.

84

: 00:04:27

Okay.

85

: 00:04:28

I'm laughing at myself.

86

: 00:04:30

Another example could be

pausing before you say yes.

87

: 00:04:34

I'm guessing, because this is what I

would do is, someone asked me to do it.

88

: 00:04:38

Oh sure, I can do it.

89

: 00:04:39

Yeah, I can do that.

90

: 00:04:40

Maybe it's pausing.

91

: 00:04:42

So they ask, okay, I need you to do this.

92

: 00:04:44

Adding that pause before you respond.

93

: 00:04:47

and learn to respond and not just react.

94

: 00:04:50

Adding that pause where

you observe yourself in the

95

: 00:04:52

situation and then responding.

96

: 00:04:55

Another example could

be your tone of voice.

97

: 00:04:58

So right now I'm talking like

this, but when I go into the people

98

: 00:05:02

pleasing mode, one thing I've noticed

about myself is my voice gets high.

99

: 00:05:06

Oh yeah, I can do that.

100

: 00:05:08

I can do that.

101

: 00:05:09

And then in my mind, I'm

like, what are you doing?

102

: 00:05:12

So my little tension step could be

103

: 00:05:15

if I hear myself doing that,

or I know it's coming, people

104

: 00:05:19

pleasing is coming to the surface.

105

: 00:05:21

Even if I start, Oh yeah, I can do that.

106

: 00:05:24

I can do that for you.

107

: 00:05:26

Even if it sounds like you're half

singing, lowering the tone of your

108

: 00:05:29

voice in that conversation, that can be

your little tension that you tolerate.

109

: 00:05:35

And this is where we

get into habit stacking.

110

: 00:05:37

So maybe one week, It's

facial expression neutral.

111

: 00:05:40

That's become a norm.

112

: 00:05:42

Now you know whenever your face

is neutral, now you're also

113

: 00:05:45

going to pause before responding.

114

: 00:05:46

You practice that

combination for a few weeks.

115

: 00:05:49

Then, maybe a month later, you're

keeping your face neutral, you're

116

: 00:05:54

pausing before responding, and now

you're going to stack on the tone

117

: 00:05:58

of voice lowering, the intonation,

not going so high, staying neutral.

118

: 00:06:04

Eventually this becomes your norm

and they don't cause you tension

119

: 00:06:08

anymore because you've rewired your

brain for this to be a new habit.

120

: 00:06:13

This is just your new way of being.

121

: 00:06:15

Notice that I'm saying

that this is over time.

122

: 00:06:17

Notice this is not a"fix

this in three days" thing.

123

: 00:06:22

You're going to backpedal if you

force yourself into the deep end.

124

: 00:06:27

We are doing baby steps here.

125

: 00:06:29

This is how we grow.

126

: 00:06:30

This is literally how your

brain forms new neural pathways

127

: 00:06:34

by repetitive action over time.

128

: 00:06:37

So where can you start today?

129

: 00:06:40

What is the first thing

you can begin with?

130

: 00:06:43

Where can you begin?

131

: 00:06:45

with one little baby tension step that

you tolerate over and over with multiple

132

: 00:06:51

exposures until your nervous system

doesn't freak out about it, until it

133

: 00:06:57

feels like it's become a part of you.

134

: 00:07:00

Gradually things will change and you'll

look back six months, a year from

135

: 00:07:04

now and realize how far you've come.

136

: 00:07:07

You'll realize, Holy crap,

I don't do that anymore.

137

: 00:07:11

Holy crap.

138

: 00:07:12

That just came out of my mouth.

139

: 00:07:14

I just spoke up for myself.

140

: 00:07:15

Oh my goodness.

141

: 00:07:17

Me from two years ago would never

have thought to say those things.

142

: 00:07:20

How did I even get here?

143

: 00:07:22

And it's all from those little

tolerating the tension moments.

144

: 00:07:26

So give it a try and let me

know how it goes for you.